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Morbs

I don't think the most prudent decision would have been disclosure against her will... A husband who leads well must recognize the limits of his authority, and one of those limits is his wife's personal autonomy.

I can't answer for Unconventional. But if I were in his situation, I would have done the same thing. And if I were answering the above for myself, I would say the following.

"I gladly have crossed what you consider my wife's personal autonomy ...for her own good. She will thank me one day. I won't be swayed by her objections, or by the opinions of those who exalt autonomy as the chief determinator. I have revealed this to our professional therapist, who abides by strict ethical standards. Let the chips fall where they may...I will have no regrets in this matter."

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I would love to know what she thinks about it.

Idk if this is relevant or not, but I remember when I was still in high school and being promiscuous with a bunch of older men, and one had SA'ed me, and I was still trying to process that and deal with the consequences... I knew my parents didn't approve of my choices and I didn't want to tell them what had happened. But when I went for STD testing afterwards-- which was a whole fiasco of having to bike several miles on dangerous roads just to get to a bus stop, then having to navigate the bus system to get into the city and get to the free clinic, because I was broke and didn't have a car and again didn't want to ask my parents for help or use our insurance because that would mean I had to tell them what happened, that I hadn't wanted sexual contact without a condom... Anyway, the clinic mailed the results and my parents saw, and they tried to have an intervention with me and I wanted nothing to do with them, and I just shouted at them that I had been SA'ed and to STFU and leave me alone, and that disclosure was not exactly voluntary... Just felt real bad, man. It was one of those times where I went and shut myself in the pitch black of my closet and plugged up my ears because sensing anythingin the moment was just too much, and wished I could just will myself out of existence.

That's something people ought to have control over.

I can't answer for Unconventional. But if I were in his situation, I would have done the same thing. And if I were answering the above for myself, I would say the following.

Sexual abuse is deeply traumatizing, whether it’s through violent imposition or emotional manipulation it does leave deep scars on a person.

Is not something you feel comfortable telling others even closed ones. I experienced it in childhood and I experience it later with infidelity, neither of both felt comfortable to tell anyone.

Weirdly enough it is similarly been disclosed to my wayward, possibly as a search of empathy after what she did. One point for her: she didn’t violate that trust ever.

Because intimate wounds like these cause a destruction of trust and issues with attachment.

Talking about that wound with a person is therapeutic as it is bringin it out to the surface.
Having that person encourage you to address it in therapy is a good thing.

The end result of addressing the unresolved issue is a net positive for the abuse victim.

Disclosing it against their will is simply another betrayal, and will leave another wound.

Morbs,

I just want briefly to touch upon this:

I just shouted at them that I had been SA'ed... It was one of those times where I went and shut myself in the pitch black of my closet and plugged up my ears

Obviously, I had no part in the part of your life when the SA occurred--so, I don't mean to suggest that I feel any culpability in your SA or its aftermath. But, from the distance of the Internet, I just want to say: I'm sorry that the SA happened to you--and I'm sorry that your parents weren't (it seems) immediately more supportive of you in that moment. I don't mean to suggest that parents should support their teenager being romantically--much less sexually--involved with any married man, let alone married men. But, in the moment you described, I just wish that they had paused themselves, given you a big sympathetic hug, cried with you, assured you that they loved you, and vowed to make the bastard pay for what he did to you.

Oh! And thank you for this clarification:

I recommend digging into where your need to understand yourself as a protector/helper/fixer/benefactor comes from. From there you can go tumbling pretty far down the rabbit hole. I was shocked how deep it can go, but I have come to appreciate having a better understanding of myself. It really helps with finding that self love. It should look less like "I need to discover all the ways I'm a bad person" and more like "let me identify the ways life has shaped me and where I could stand to grow..."

[This message edited by Unconventional at 11:33 AM, Monday, October 12th]

Thank you, Unconventional. I appreciate your kindness.

I do believe my parents wanted to support me. The problem wasn't that they didn't want to offer love, support, help seeking justice, or comfort; it was that I was still trying to process what had happened myself, and I wasn't ready to tell them. Their attempted intervention caused me to end up disclosing it because I was still processing, overwhelmed, and wanted to get them off my back. Losing control over that disclosure was part of what made the experience so distressing, and caused me to push them further away rather than to be able to accept their support. Their attempt to help and do what they thought was best for me came at a moment when I wasn't ready to receive it, and it backfired. (As a parent now, I look back at what I put these poor people through and marvel at it. They were really trying their best )

And I think from your previous response that you're starting to realize the potential wounding and distancing that may result from your unauthorized disclosure of your W's CSA to somebody else...even if it was "just" the existence of the trauma itself disclosed to a trained professional in a confidential therapeutic setting, and even if you think your intentions and the reverence to the marriage counseling make the overriding of her autonomy justified...The telling of my story response was mostly to WoodThrush.

Have you told her yet? Are you planning on being apologetic when you do?

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 11:57 AM, Monday, October 12th]

I have not told her. Our session is not until Thursday. I have rewritten the script that I intend to use to try to incorporate more compassion and acknowledge more conflict over the decision to disclose. I think I have an apology or two in there that I ended up having to do something that I recognize may well cause a breakdown of trust. I still feel that the decision to disclose was the right one, so there is no apology for my primary action—because that wouldn’t be authentic.

I respect where you’re coming from about the notion of steady persuasion rather than usurpation of autonomy. I also know my wife well enough to believe that no amount of persistent persuasion will change her course. In defense of that, I can only note: keep in mind that this is a woman who has put up with me (of all assholes) for nearly 30 years!

[This message edited by Unconventional at 1:00 PM, Monday, October 12th]

Morbs,

I too offer sympathy for being forced upon. That is so violating.

My question is this however...and please consider objectively....do you not think that there is a very strong possibility that had your parents not found out...that you would actually have NEVER told them?

I suspect that might be the case knowing how we humans hide from distasteful conduct.

Now, since they did "find out" without your permission, don't you think that overall, the fact that they knew and still showed they loved you, actually was a positive?

And maybe not with your case, but multitudes of others....people may carry serious burdens into adult life because "they never used their autonomy" to disclose one thing or another.

I understand this is a balance. We do need to respect autonomy. But there is also a reality that we often are our own worst enemies.

This concept could even be applied in the realm of affairs. As a general rule, most waywards use their autonomy to NOT reveal their deceitful conduct. Often, at some point, this autonomy is crossed by another. The result in the long run usually is a positive IMO. Not pretty or comfortable, but a positive.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 1:15 PM, Monday, October 12th]