SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very direct:

1. She is lying to you about cutting contact
2. You have to immediately speak to legal counsel. Like today. I am not suggesting immediately filing papers but you one billion percent without question need to see one now. There are tens of thousands of people who have been through exactly what you are going through and there will be 100% consensus that you need to go asap. GO ASAP!!!!
3. Get an account she doesn’t have a password to and forward anything you have in there. Phone bills and montly bank statements. Pictures of her gps history if she has one in the car. If you have a shared computer grab every file off of it and see if any accounts are logged in.
4. You need to have all facts and her current affair partner’s details are critical. You’ll probably be able to find him in reverse if you can find his number. A PI if you can afford one. You may need to do some digging but every second you spend on this will be a second not wasted. He’s married or your wife wouldn’t be hiding him so thoroughly. Guaranteed. Like I’ll donate $500 to the charity of your choice if I’m wrong.

Want to start by saying your profile describes a very typical marriage. Financial issues, division of labor, time-restraints, power-struggles… this is all something I venture 99% of all marriages go through. Some end in divorce, some make it through.
I also want to emphasize that her decision to have an affair has NOTHING to do with any of the issues you mention. All these issues could justify a demand for change, or a demand for divorce. But NOTHING justifies the decision to have an affair. This needs to be so very very clear. Imagine you two make it through this instance, and 11 years from now you go and buy a Ford when she wants a Mazda… Would that justify or explain why your actions "made her" go sleep with the man next door?

At the end of the day – IF you two are to reconcile – there has to be a point where she totally acknowledged her blame in the affair. Totally on her – no excuses or justification.

Her definition of an affair is way off…
It’s a bit like tossing grandpa into a grave because he’s old and will die soon anyways. Might as well use this conveniently located ditch you found…

I think some factors need to be in place for reconciliation to be possible. Some are required from the start; some can wait for a few months.

First of all: If there is any contact at all then reconciling is going to be as successful as an AA meeting in a bar. Until you have assurances that it’s over, then at best you are in a holding pattern.

Second is the realization that there is something worse than divorce. Imagine you two don’t divorce. You carry on meeting a MC where he maybe rightly blames you for not helping with the household chores and the two of you find a way to cohabit. You think everything is fine and dandy. Only two years from now there is another unplanned, unpaid visit to the "beautician" … What is infinitely worse than divorce is remaining infidelity. I call it sharing a wife, and I think sharing a wife is infinitely worse than losing a wife.

I want you to contemplate this: IF divorce is the absolute worst outcome from this situation, then why risk it? Why not pretend to believe she’s having her nails done for the second time – and for free – this week? After all – if she returns home, there isn’t this talk of divorce and all that… why risk the "marriage"?
If that doesn’t sound good then really think long and hard about what it is you want to save, and only put the effort into it if you are offered what you want.

Then there is something I believe ALL marriages need. It’s the realization that there is really only one reason people should remain married. Namely because they want to. Not forced to, not obliged to, not an option… but because they want to. You want it and she wants it.

Right now, she’s talking as if the marriage was over and the only thing left was have a divorce and get a new lover. Well… in her mind not in that order…
But she hasn’t filed, has she? She doesn’t need your approval or permission. Divorce is always easier and better if both work at it, but no matter how you resisted then if she wanted, she could be half-way out the door.
So why hasn’t she failed?

As counterproductive as it might sound, then I suggest people peel away the layers of excuses for not filing. I can share that my wife and I did that some years ago during a rough spot and we decided that we wanted to remain married because we wanted to.
Have kids? Research after research supports that coming from homes where divorced parents do amicable parenting and show mutual respect irrespective of the former marital status do better than kids raised in households where parents are cold and emotionally separated. Your kids will then model their future relationships on what they see, and if that is a dad who never hugs his wife, a wife that never brings tea to her husband and places an arm on his shoulder, where there is resentment and bickering… then that’s what they will expect.
Can’t afford to divorce… again… an excuse, about as valid as the one that since there is a convenient open ditch in the garden you might as well dump grandpa into it…

IF she stays you want it to be for the right reason. That reason is because she wants YOU. As-is it sounds like you two are in an indifferent holding pattern, and it’s not a sustainable one.
Your MC is correct in that you can’t force her to decide, but at the same time it’s like a car headed towards a cliffs edge; at some point you need to decide if you are changing course or driving off the ledge. All you can possibly impact to delay that decision is the speed of the car. Maybe your MC is correct in that there are still some yards to the ledge but just keep in mind he’s not sitting beside you in the front-seat. He won’t be experiencing fall with you.

I am not stating all the above in some Jedi-mind-trick move to convert you to a divorce mindset. But I do want you into a get-out-of-infidelity mindset.

My so-called Sandwich Speech has been mentioned.
To nobody’s surprise I’m going to suggest a version for you:

Wife – I acknowledge that there were things in our marriage that are totally my fault. I should have listened to you and taken you seriously when you talked about issues that bothered you. Irrespective of how our marriage goes, I’m sorry and I apologize. I will work on improving my relationship and communication skills irrespective of what our future will be like husband and wife. I wish I had been more understanding, and we had gotten MC to fix those issues.
However, I have had an epiphany: Right now I don’t really have you as my wife. At best I share you, and I don’t share with you. Losing you is a terrible thought in my mind, but even worse is sharing you and knowing that you are with another man, both physically and emotionally. I can’t pretend to believe you are at a beautician when I KNOW you are with him. Although losing this marriage is hard, it beats having to share with you.

Therefore, I am setting you free. Seeing as OM is separated you can go be with him, spend time with him, date him, stay at his house… whatever. There is nothing I can do to prevent you from doing this anyways, and it’s better for all if you do what you want to do. Only you won’t be doing this as my wife.

I simply assuming you have chosen infidelity over the marriage and acting on that to get ME out of infidelity. It’s not somewhere I want to be.

I am starting the process of emotionally and practically ending our marriage. There is no drama, no rush. There is no me trying to get everything or anything like that. There is a known process that we can follow and be as amicable as possible on that path. We should focus on being able to coparent as well as we can. There is no rush per se. I want to take a few weeks simply learning to emotionally detach, and we can start the preparation of separating finances, finding a custody schedule and all that.

This isn’t how I envisioned us. I would do a LOT to save this marriage. But I won’t share with you.

If you want this marriage or want us to try saving it there are some requirements I need. You have a short window of opportunity to let me know if you want this marriage. The requirements are that you clearly and verbally let me know you want us to work on the marriage, no room for ambiguity. I also need verifiable proof that there is no contact with OM – remember I’m giving you the freedom you want to be with him so if you can’t give me this then don’t bother working on our marriage. I also will eventually need to know what happened.

This was a tough decision for me, and I have been contemplating my options for quite some time. It’ not what I want, but it’s what I am realistically being offered as my only path out of infidelity. The further I go along this path the more content I am with my decision.

"

And then you go make a sandwich.
(The sandwich is simply a term to show that you go about life. There isn’t any need to talk things through, have drama, shout and scream… Live goes on while you start on your journey out of infidelity. All that basically remains to be seen is if she joins you or chooses OM).

If she comes and tells you that she had to cheat because you didn’t value, her your answer is "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then this is something we would need to address, but seeing as you are committed to your infidelity then there is nothing to be gained by that"
This is your standard answer to ALL her reasons for why she cheated. There really isn’t any need to argue over ANYTHING. While she doesn’t commit to marriage, you are committed to your only real option, and that’s ending the marriage. At YOUR pace.

Or you can give my 30 second "speech" which I said to my H the day after dday2.

"I am D you. I have nothing left to give to this marriage. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have no other choice. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose."

And I left the room. I had a plan B just in case Reconciliation didn’t work. And how could it work if he’s still cheating and lying. So when I found out I just knew I had no other choice. It was not a threat. I meant it. I had everything lined up for the days after NYE to file. I also told him to leave and find a new place to live.

We have reconciled and we are luckily one of the happy couples here at SI who survived. Bigger has great advice — as do others — and I urge you to realize that we all speak from experience.

Someone who continues to lie and cheat is not ready for reconciliation.

She denied it saying she used a separate account, she'd turned her phone off not to be disturbed and went to a different place. And now she said I'm controlling and monitoring her, so she's turned location sharing off her phone now.

IMO, she is lying, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Currently, she is not a candidate for reconciliation. She does not understand the gravity of her actions. She had an affair while she was married, she cannot redefine what an affair is.

After my husband's affair, I knew where he was and who he was with. Complete transparency. He stopped socializing on the job and gave up his passion he had been involved in for three decades.

Please do not do the pick me dance and implement the 180 asap.

On my way out, lots of great advice here from members who have walked in your shoes.

I can’t add anything because you’ve already got the best advice possible in these posts. All I can say is they are all right on the money. Read and reread it and implement it. Don’t be one of those people who suck it up, stay in limbo and destroy all their self worth in the process.

Metronman

Your wish to reconcile is clear to all.

I want to assure you that the posts 1stWife and I are suggesting are intended to create the conditions for reconciliation – if R is really an option. The only difference is the wording.
I used a car-driving-towards-a-ledge analogy to describe what your wife and MC are offering you right now. We are suggesting you switch seats… No longer a passenger, but rather the driver who determines the speed, the direction and the destination of the trip. No guarantee it won’t lead you to a ledge, but then it’s a ledge of your choice towards a landing of your choice.

To divorce basically only one criteria needs to be met. Namely that ONE of you wants to divorce. You can divorce with no willing cooperation from the other. Just adds to the time and complexity.
To reconcile, several criteria needs to be met. BOTH of you need to want the marriage, you both need to have some initial goal or expectation. NEITHER can be doing something that knowingly harms reconciliation. For example; if your wife says she wants to reconcile she can’t be seeing OM. If you say you want to reconcile you can’t be ignoring her need for better communications.

There are all sorts of theories and common beliefs regarding infidelity. This site does not condone generalizations, but one common theory is what’s called the exit-affair, and it’s often stated that women are more likely to have an exit affair than men. Ever heard about suicide by cop? Where someone intentionally create a situation that leaves cops no option but to shoot them? That is what the exit affair compares to. It’s when a WS has an affair to create conditions where the BS is likely to divorce them.
MAYBE your wife had an exit affair, and maybe she’s still hoping you do what she doesn’t dare do and pull the trigger.

But then – we also have one very common human behavior, even more common than the exit affair/suicide-by-cop. That is when you do something that you KNOW is wrong in so many ways and then justify it with retrospective explanations, rewritten history and slanted points of view. You hold on to that stance, that defense and those justifications to make what you did "right".
Like someone that robs a bank might explain how their dire financial straits left this as the only option, and that it’s OK since you never intended to use the shotgun, it was unloaded and the banks have insurance that covers their loss. Actually nobody was hurt or lost any money per se, therefore what you did isn’t really THAT bad and necessity made you do it.

I actually think your wife falls into the later camp.
After all – the affair is out. It’s common knowledge. IF the marriage was over in her eyes, if she doesn’t want this marriage… why isn’t she over with single, divorced OM? What’s holding her back? If she’s so unhappy with you, then why remain and be both unhappy with you and unhappy with not being with OM? If you are the problem, why spend time with MC?

I truly believe that if you take the initiative and start controlling the direction YOU are going at the pace YOU are OK with… she will follow.

If not – if this is an exit affair, if she’s determined to do suicide by cop… Well… if an end to this marriage is inevitable you are better off knowing in the next 3 months than the next year or years. Discovering your wife had an affair is painful. Discovering she "had her nails done" ten days ago is even worse. Discovering, once you think it’s all over and everything is calming down, that she’s AGAIN getting some beautification done four, six, ten, one hundred… months from now… THAT is devastation.

Ps. If you haven’t already realized – few if any of us think she was at a beautician.

Metroman, could you explain a bit more about your family dynamics—the children's ages, your financial situation, where you live, etc.—so we can understand you better and why you are holding on so tightly to the R?
Last year, I read a couple of books by Michelle Langley: *Women's Infidelity I: Living in Limbo* and *Women's Infidelity II: Breaking Out of Limbo*.
They might help you a bit with what your WS is going through right now. Don't take her statistics as reliable (they aren't scientific; they are biased), but the books can offer some interesting insights regarding female self-image (ideal vs. real) and the rewriting of history—though not all women accept that concept as valid!
...and regarding what Bigger mentioned: "Exit Affair" and "Suicide-by-Cop."

Your wife still does not believe she had an affair. She has taken zero accountability and the strategy you have employed is just empowering her to act the way she is.

The only chance you have if saving the marriage if that is what you truly want is to hold her accountable. Start to read people into what is happening and clearly define that she cheated and she has not taken accountability. Deciding the marriage is over in ones head does not mitigate their behavior or allow them to duck accountability for infidelity.

Hire a lawyer and prepare for divorce and lay our strict boundaries. She is either dragging her feet hoping you will pull the plug or letting you twist till she decides if the marriage is worth saving.

Hey there friend. So sorry you are here with us in this club we never wanted to join. I do not have much time right now so just a few quick points...

The beautician story is baloney. I believe you already know that. Admitting these things to ourselves is tough because it just provides more evidence of where our partner is at mentally and emotionally with everything. Plus we don't want to admit it to ourselves because we are holding on to hope that maybe their version of the story is truth even though we know it is not. It is just easier for us to believe because it aligns with what we want.

My ex wife told me that she was going out of town to attend a cancer support group event for the weekend. When I looked online to find out about the event I could not find any such event. But she swore there was. So I contacted the cancer group to confirm. Nope. No event. Then I could not easily get ahold of her while she was out of town. Her phone location was turned off. Her responses were intermittent. But she was never around anybody else when she called back even though she was supposedly at a big cancer event.

When she came home she said it was actually a different event for a different cancer group and she was very busy volunteering to help so that is why she was unavailable. I believed her because I desperately wanted to believe her and it was easier to believe her than to ascribe to her the very real possibility that she was lying to me. Plus I wanted to keep the peace.

Well, when the truth came out, she was actually with her affair partner at a beach house all weekend having sex.

Bottom line: my gut was right all along even though I did not want to believe it. Trust your gut!

Also, put a voice activated digital recorder in her car or wherever she may be having conversations. This way you will be able to find out who she is talking to and what she is saying.

@Littlepuppet - our children are 10, 7 and 3. We are in an asset rich/cash poor financial situation. We live in England.

In terms of our marital discontent, one of my only gripes has been our finances. I feel my wife spends heavily on things we don't need, and we got into a situation about a year ago where we had tens of thousands of pounds of debt. I also ended up with a county court judgment in my name after I took the wrap for a car parking ticket on behalf of my wife. That compounded our ability to get out of the financial difficulty we were in because I was working at the time, and my wife wasn't. And I had limited access to credit for a year.

I have tried repeatedly over the years to get through to my wife about our finances and spending. Trying to get it under control, but nothing has really worked. And ultimately it has built up a certain resentment in me, and that comes out in how I have behaved towards her and treated her. I get angry, and short tempered, and emotionally disconnected.

Her big gripe with me is that she does everything at home, carries the mental and emotional load for our children and has had very little support from me with regards to our family for the past few years. I feel this is a bit unfair as I work 5 days a week and she has been off work for 3 years, so I viewed the home as her job in this way, but I do recognise she has been asking for more help from me and not getting it.

I think I'm holding on for reconciliation because I still love my wife and I don't want my family to fall apart. I don't want our children to be the product of a broken home, and I just can't imagine being with anybody else.

I now realise she has been checking out of this marriage for a long time, and I think part of her reticence about reconciliation is that to her the marriage was finished already. So rowing back from that position is impossible to do straight away. She is thinking about what she wants, can see changes in me, but is nervous they are driven by panic and won't last.

Don't get me wrong, I completely realise her affair was separate to the problems we had in our marriage and I feel zero responsibility for her affair. And despite my gripes with the financial situation, I know I have a responsibility to bear in how I treated her over the past year and likely longer. And she does too, with regards to our finances and her not respecting how that made me feel.

@The Ghost

I'm so confused at what to do though. I desperately want to give reconciliation a try. Currently she is not there, and I hear you when she's taking zero accountability for the affair - but not even properly recognising it. I won't be able to live with that position and belief from her longer term. I'm just holding out for her to hopefully come to the conclusion that she wants to try, and it will be then that I tackle that more firmly.

At the moment I think she is overwhelmed with all of it. I don't think she wants to see herself as a cheater, a bad person, as someone who would do something like that. But she is having individual therapy, and she has now told a two close friends what has happened. For the first two weeks, she told no-one. I'm not privy to any of those conversations so I don't know what her friends are saying or what is going on in her counselling, but again I'm just hopeful that somewhere along the way she will realise and face up to what she has done.

The hard part right now for me is the uncertainty, and how I navigate that. For the first three weeks I was definitely doing this "pick me dance" that I'm reading about on here.

But for the past week I haven't pressed her at all. I haven't asked about the affair, what she wants, what she's feeling. I'm just trying to do the right things and exhibit the right behaviours at home. Emotionally regulated, calm, kind without being too over the top.

But to be honest, there's a difference between emotional regulation and emotional suppression, and the reality is I've probably been doing more of the latter. I don't know how healthy that is, or how long I can do that for while I wait for her to decide what she wants to do.

She said a week ago she is "70% there to deciding she wants to try". We have our next MC on Monday, so more will be revealed there maybe in terms of where she's at, because currently she doesn't want to talk about our relationship or the affair outside of MC.

A few weeks ago I wrote a few letters to her, as I thought that might be a less confrontational way to communicate how I was feeling and trying to persuade her gently to at least try. But again I've backed off that now and I'm not doing anything to push. I figure she knows what I want, and I can't convince her through words, it needs to be action. If she sees changes in me enough, consistently, then maybe she'll see enough that convinces her that she thinks I am changing into somebody else.

I feel like this is an inflection point in my life. Nothing of this magnitude has ever happened to me before. I feel like the mark this will leave, has made me into a different person. Some of that will be negative. I don't know if I will be less trusting, more cynical, less happy going forward. But at the same time I want to use it to address some of the behaviours I exhibited prior to this happening, and evolve into somebody else. I want to be more present, a better father, a better person, and hopefully a better husband if I get the chance.

Thanks for the update. You will be on an emotional roller-coaster.

You want to change into a better partner that she wants to be with.

But will she change into a partner you want to be married to?

In the past I had conversations w three different women. One married a man she knew she did not love within weeks. So I asked why she got married. She said he was so I love with her that he begged and begged and…she was at a crossroads. She was worried about schooling, a job she loved but was not sure she was up to the big promotion, she had been in love w a guy who had ghosted her and this one filled in the boxes. Lots of money, a place to live(not estranged from family just wanted independence), and the ability to change to another job. She had an affair, left him, married the AP and is still married. She said she feels very guilty because her ex is a nice man who should not have been treated that way.
Second a woman whose status was going through the roof marrying info a family that owns an international company. Close to the wedding she got cold feet, begged to be allowed to break it off and her parents said no. Cultural pressure is alive and well in the US. This family is an old Wasp family holding her to the same standards as women in India or other countries. So she married, had children, met a man, left her husband, he left his family and they are still married but I never saw much joy in him. The third said she had no idea why she stopped loving her husband but the had an exit affair and stayed single for a long time before marrying her current husband. All three of these women say they were married to good men.
Your wife is making you the bad guy. If all you did was stay in your own head a lot that does not make you the bad guy. Do not look at her reasons for cheating. I assume there was already a spark there.
Do not let this stress go on indefinitely. Stress is cumulative and begins to breakdown the body after a while.
Bigger will tell you to say you will not share her with another man. There is the door and she can leave at any time. Read his suggestions. They are always based on practical matters.

The answer with infidelity is to see a solicitor immediately almost always. And definitely always if the cheater is not a reconciliation candidate. Combine this with someone with no spending filter …. DO NOT BE CONFUSED YOUR NEXT STEP IS SEEING A SOLICITER.

Mertonman,

I know you've said that you have separated her affair from the marital problems, but I'm also seeing you place a lot of blame on yourself for your wife's choices. Or at least for the problems in your marriage which led to your wife's choices.

From what you've shared thus far, it sounds to me like more of a reciprocal contribution to the state of the marriage. You're not entirely to blame here. She contributed to the strife as well. She has things of her own to admit and improve outside of the affair. Marriage is a 2 way street. I don't think you've described any major problems that don't effect many other marriages. They seem like fairly common, workable issues. I think you're putting too much on yourself, and you're still holding onto the idea that if you can change enough, you can "win her back."

You're still in a bit of the pick me dance. Maybe not overtly, but I think you're still kind of functioning in that capacity.

A couple of us posting here were in some pretty dire situations with an unfaithful spouse, myself included, and meaningful change didn't come until some real and tangible steps were made toward divorce.

Based on my own personal experience and those of some others I've concluded that in most cases if there is any real chance of saving the marriage, then you have to be willing to let it go. Taking those steps can shock a wayward spouse into action, IF they're of any mind to want to remain in the marriage. The ones who aren't in that mind may well agree to end things, which is not the desired outcome, but it can save a person years of misery and living in limbo by getting it done and out of the way as soon as possible.

If a spouse can be "won" back, then they usually will respond to the reality of a divorce by turning back toward the marriage.

A couple of things.

Calling a solicitor is not finalizing a divorce.

Setting an appointment and talking to a solicitor is not finalizing a divorce, but it will arm you with knowledge amd remove some fear of the unknown.

Filing for a divorce is not finalizing a divorce. It's a process. It takes time, and it can be paused or stopped at any point in the process if there's a turnaround.

All 3 of those will send a message. You're not going to live in infidelity and uncertainty any longer. If she wants to join you on that journey she's more than welcome, if not, you're taking that journey one way or another.

I know how painful and difficult this is. I went through something similar, but our son was grown and out of the house at the time. Tho I don't think it would have made much of a difference for me. I just couldn't tolerate it anymore.

You're taking some small steps toward self improvement, and that's great, but you're putting too much of this in her hands and you're reacting instead if acting. I think if you start bejng more proactive and take some of your agency back you'll start beginning to feel the ground under your feet again and have a much clearer idea of where this is gong to go.

That said, I'm sorry you've found yourself here. Infidelity really, really sucks. I've no doubt you've never experienced anything of this magnitude before. I know I haven't either, or since. You won't feel like this forever tho, especially if your start taking hold of the steering wheel and stop being just a passenger.

Let me spell it out for you. I spent 6 agonizing months committed to R while my H continued to lie and cheat (unbeknownst to me).

At dday2 I very calmly informed him we were D. And I was D him. (See my prior post in this thread).

I was either dumb enough, lucky enough or smart enough to recognize I needed a plan B. A plan for me & kids if R didn’t work.

The months I wasted trying to talk to, reason with and try to right the ship so to speak were completely useless and a waste of energy. He didn’t change - he mocked me behind my back and informed the OW I was prepared to D (b/c he told her we were D and she was holding him to it).

Your cheater won’t change unless she wants to change.

Your cheater won’t change unless she HAS to change to get what she wants.

By that I mean if she wants to play both sides of the fence and live in your home where she’s safe and secure AND continue to cheat, she won’t stop that behavior unless she has to.

And unless you want to live in limbo with the continued lying and cheating and "I have feelings for the OM" crap, then you are forced to become the hardass and badass.

You don’t need a knock down drag out fight. But start telling her how things are going to be and "here’s the door if you don’t like it" and you cut off access to $ and credit cards, and she has 2 choices.

My H still thought he was calling the shots and that I would sweep this under the rug after dday2 of affair2.

He has seen a side of me he never knew existed. And I’m certain he’s sorry he had to see it. But I can tell you once I stopped being a doormat my life changed for the better.

Once you stop being afraid of the D outcome, things will change for you for the better. I know you don’t want a D. I didn’t either. But one day you have to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated and lied to and cheated on OR the rest of your life will look like it does now.

Only you can make this nightmare stop. The cheater has no reason to.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:25 PM, Saturday, October 10th]

Mertonman,

No one here thinks it’s a good idea to wait for her to choose, I know that’s hard because you want to reconcile, but we think you choosing not to remain in infidelity is the best path for getting her to choose.

I think most of us think the affair is not over. All of her behavior points to that - the "beautician", the location sharing being turned off, her unwillingness to discuss anything…those are wayward behaviors.

At MC, ask her if, given her definition of adultery, it’d be cheating for her to sleep with him today. If she says no, that’s close to being a confession in my opinion. Certainly an odd position to take for two people in marriage counseling.

I want to call attention to something Bigger wrote.

It’s the realization that there is really only one reason people should remain married. Namely because they want to. Not forced to, not obliged to, not an option… but because they want to. You want it and she wants it.

Let me suggest something that could be going on right now, and a reason why waiting to act is bad.

Say she’s still seeing him. Suppose, and it would not be uncommon, that she’s telling him that she’s fallen for him, that their feelings for each other are real, etc. etc. She is looking for him to reciprocate. But he’s thinking, whoa, slow down! They’ve only known each other for like four months (if history is any guide, it probably started earlier than you think and they’ve been physical more often than you have been told). But still, he was having fun with it, but now he’s not so sure he wants her moving in with him, she’s got 3 small kids, no job…he’s wondering what he’s gotten himself into.

Plausible?

She says she’s 70% leaning towards R, but her actions are not consistent with that are they. Seems to me like everything she’s doing is more likely to foreclose that option rather than preserve it.

Back to Bigger’s point, the longer it goes on, the more time they will have together. If he decides he’s not ready to commit the way she wants, she comes back to you as a fallback plan. That’s not her being with you because she wants to.

If you start to walk away and she chases you down, you will at least be able to believe that being with you is what she actually wants.

I'm just holding out for her to hopefully come to the conclusion that she wants to try, and it will be then that I tackle that more firmly.

Tragically OP cannot see, most likely due to being in severe shock, that starting the D process is actually the only thing that MAY shock his adulterous spouse into reality, as what happened with Pogre’s wife. But he must mean it, and it’s quite clear at this moment he doesn’t. Sad, truly.

I'm just hopeful that somewhere along the way she will realise and face up to what she has done.

I understand.

There is another concept bandied about here known as "smoking hopium" and it is very enticing. Its a mixture of denial, quickly fading dreams of the way it "should be", a measure of avoidance, "white knight" syndrome (Ill fix tbe marriage) & a dash of situational selective blindness. I know it all too well as I smoked it for years to my detriment.

I suggest a strong dose of reading "No More Mister Nice Guy" and let that sit in your mind for a while as you enact a potent 180 which is not for her, but for you.

I wish you well.