SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At the recommendation of our MC, I'm supposed to tell my husband ways he can show me that he loves me that will help me believe him. Because he was going around flagrantly telling ppl "I Love You" with no real meaning behind it, I've struggle to be sure he means it when he says it to me. I pursued him in the beginning of our relationship and it's always been a little imbalanced in that I was 100% in a while before he was.

Right now, his ways of showing me love are:

- Morning Tea (which I reciprocate consistently)
- Little notes in the morning before he leaves for work
- Backrubs that aren't just for sex
- Physical affection

He's not a grand gestures kind of guy, but has made efforts since all of this has hit. I had one moment where I felt he was being truthful and authentic, and I told him later that made me feel like he meant it, but that's only once. I wish he'd talk more on how he sees our love story, even with it's slightly torn and burned edges.

All this to say, I am hoping for examples of how you all give or receive love. How do you know your partner loves you?

I don't know how long ago your d day was, but the short answer is consistent behavior over time. Betrayal trauma takes a lot of time to work through even under the most ideal conditions. Like, 2 to 5 years to recover and begin building real trust again.

A longer answer is, at least according to Gary Chapman, everyone has their own version of love languages.

Words of Affirmation - Saying supportive things to your partner

Acts of Service - Doing helpful things for your partner

Receiving Gifts - Giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them

Quality Time - Spending meaningful time with your partner

Physical Touch - Being close to and caressed by your partner

You and he will have to figure out which of those, or which combination of those speaks to you the most. Like I said, that's according to one author. I've seen it repeated by others and it makes some sense to me. Once he figures out your love language then he can start putting into practice. Over time, trust and feeling loved could be restored. The biggest thing you need, I think, is just time. Lots of consistency over time.

Your thread topic really speaks to me, and I in fact had this conversation with my wife this morning. She said those words to her AP as well, and I told her that saying it to me now has kinda lost its shine. Its specialness. We didn't have much time this morning so I may pick that thread back up later this afternoon when we have more time to dig into it. I totally get what you're saying, tho.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:28 PM, Tuesday, June 30th]

I second much of what Pogre says.

This is so hard. I am three years into reconciliation, and I am still healing this particular wound. THIS IS SO HARD.

Like you, I find that I have skepticism now around gestures of love that I know were part of his affair. So many of these things Pogre lists are things I know he also did for her.

He had tremendous limerence during his affair—so 'madly in love' with her, even addicted to how she made him feel. Intense sexual chemistry. She was the 'love of his life' and all that crap. We have since both researched and learned about limerence and the difference between it and mature love, and he know sees himself a lot like a former addict. He thinks back on the affair with intense shame. Still, this also leaves me at times profoundly cynical about love, and very hard to convince and reassure.

And yet we have found a way to reassure me.

We made a decision at the start of reconciliation that it was a day-to-day choice. That is, every day, we have to choose again to be married. That evolved into a habit, first thing every morning, of touching our hands together and telling each other "I choose you." Now we do not always say it, but we still touch hands when we wake up, and we know what it means.

What reassures me most is that this is a gesture and a phrase of affirmation that is uniquely ours. It is simple, and it is on top of all these other things you describe, but it is a habit that reminds us both that our marriage is a choice we both have to make every day. It will last only as long as we both choose each other. Unlike the fantasy of love he chased in his affair, mature love is about intention, trust, respect, and acceptance of each other in all our flaws and imperfections. It is a choice to be partners and grow old together. When he touches my hand each morning, I am reminded that he chooses that idea of love, not the lie of love that drove him during the affair. In the end, that is what I need to feel safe. While the other gestures matter to ensuring we feel connected, the cornerstone I need is the assurance he chooses a mature, real love over a fantasy. He needed a way to express that in ways that were positive, and not rooted in his own shame.