SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A member here in a recent post of mine made this statement.

Can they change? Perhaps, but I think actual change is rare. If the stars align again and temptation presents itself, the possibility exists that they can do this again because...it's already been a reality.

Though I don’t fully agree with it, it did sting, for there is, in my case, truth spoken.

I have spent many hours pondering this statement, weighing it against what I want to believe and share, verses what my experience with infidelity factually was years ago verses now.

I have spent the previous 8 months sharing about my wife’s long-term affair with what was then my best friend. In the beginning I unloaded my grief like a waterfall of sewage. But I have also told the sweeter side, the truth that my wife and I are extremely happy and have built a marriage I am proud of. And I am speaking from a position of strength that there is joy in my life, her life, our marriage. We worked hard to arrive at this point, and I give a ton of credit to my wife for the work she needed to do and did. And yet…..

Betrayed spouses often have their own trickle truth issues, and this is mine.

My wife, 5 years prior to her affair with my friend, had her 1st affair. I saw it immediately, addressed it the moment I did, and she, without hesitation, confessed. The next day we packed up and left our mission field work and returned to our home church for guidance.

The Christian counseling we received approached the affair as sin on my wife’s part and what was needed was her to confess before God and her husband and then forgiveness from me, (which was a requirement of the faith). Once that had occurred, God had forgiven and washed us clean and we could continue with His work, "for all have fallen short of the glory of God."

There was no reason to dig into the issue that made infidelity a choice for it was all about sin and we all are equally guilty in the eyes of God. Right? Uggg! That was our teaching and I believed it.

I thought it was done and over with. And I never, in a million years, would have imagined that "If the stars align and temptation presents itself,…". She would do it again. NEVER!

I think that is why I beat myself up for so many decades. How I allowed a blind faith in both my wife and my God" to leave me vulnerable to a second time. So, my member friend, squirm as I might, your point is well taken and not without its own wisdom.

I will defend my wife as she has presented herself for the past 33 years, but I will not defend her actions prior. There is no question in my mind that she learned from her 1st affair how to hide her second. How to lie when confronted, how to manipulate my trust and faith in her and God to her advantage. And she did so like a honed professional. What she hadn’t counted on was her own conscience would eventually betray her.

That is why, after she disclosed the second affair, I insisted that we NOT get Christian counseling. I stated that I would only stay if we sought out secular counseling. Even then I made the error of approaching it as a marriage failure issue not as my wife’s personal family history issue, for, by the grace of God we were new creatures. (Lingering’s of old beliefs systems not yet dead.)

There is an old saying that some might apply here: "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I reject this statement because when a person fools someone who has given them their unwavering trust, they are fully at fault 100% of the time, every time. The number of times does not shift the blame.

I will end with this; People can and do change for the better if they choose and I want to never become so jaded that I refuse to see it or to allow for it.

Asterisk

Thank you for sharing this Asterisk. I believe the chance of a second betrayal happening is partially due to circumstances, or stars aligning, but mainly if people don't do the work the first time.
My husband's was impacted by his mother's affair as a teenager and then his first serious girlfriend cheated on him. When in 2002-2003 he was approached by his mate's wife in the army who had a reputation on the base, he took the opportunity and had sex with her a couple of times during the year he was leaving the army. She then went on to have another child with her husband and they never spoke about it. A couple years later they relocated and my husband met me. He never told me about this previous affair die to shame and the knowledge I probably would not have dated him.
Five years later, after a whirlwind few years and a period of work, family and financial stress the old affair partner moved back to the UK...a few nude pictures later another affair begun 🙄
If my husband had done the work required the first time he cheated (when he wasn't dating me) the second affair may never have happened.
Consequently, I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater but I do believe someone who has cheated and not done the work has a high chance or reoffending.

Just out of curiosity...

Why share this 1st affair now, after 8 months?

Evio,
Thank you for sharing and I am deeply sorry for what your husband did. I have little doubt that his not sharing in the 1st place was due to deep shame. Shame is a efficient silencer.

If my husband had done the work required the first time he cheated (when he wasn't dating me) the second affair may never have happened.

Yes, and this is what I was sharing. Due to a faulty belief system, we did not do the hard work. We relied on a simplistic solution that failed both my wife and me. I often hear it called; "sweeping it under the carpet." In our case it was "sweeping it under the alter." Same verb, different noun, same results.

Asterisk

Unhinged,

Just out of curiosity...

Why share this 1st affair now, after 8 months?

Lack of trust, Shame, And Protection

Now it is my turn Unhinged. Out of curiosity, I question your question. Was it truly out of pure curiosity?

Asterisk

Hi Asterisk -

Now it is my turn Unhinged. Out of curiosity, I question your question. Was it truly out of pure curiosity?

I can't speak for Unhinged, but I'm guessing he's asking because it's a significant aspect of your trauma and healing journey that I guess you didn't mention earlier. Coming to SI and bearing your soul, as you have done, is sort of like going to a doctor to resolve a medical issue. You can't expect the doctor to diagnose the issue if you don't provide all of the symptoms.

My guess, and I suspect other SI long-timers will tell you this, is that your wife's first affair played substantially in your healing challenges over the past 30+ years after the second affair. Neither you nor your wife healed correctly from that first affair. It was fine to get the religious-based take on the affair (reminder of sin, etc), but you still needed the secular-based unpacking and fixing that apparently didn't happen. So, recovering from the second affair is that much harder.

I have to say that you get lots of points in my book for even attempting to recover your marriage and reconcile after the second affair. For most of us, affairs are deal-breakers - until they happen. Then if we're willing, we try and sort it out and go forward with recovery and reconciliation if possible. But again for most of us, a second affair would be non-negotiable. For the folks on SI that have been able to deal with multiple affairs (different D-Days) and still have a good, reconciled marriage, I can't imagine having the strength and resolve to accomplish that.

I will end with this; People can and do change for the better if they choose and I want to never become so jaded that I refuse to see it or to allow for it.

I think change IS life.

Not a part of life, not some people change and some don’t, I really see life is all about change.

Now, some negative behaviors, some poor habits are tougher to fix or change than others, and I think that is where SI can be helpful in recognizing some common traits that will sink a relationship if they aren’t addressed.

In a simpler way, I think there are some WS who are so self-centered, they refuse to change, and other WS who get trapped in shame and never get back to being a fully healed and healthy partner.

My wife betrayed her own standards, her own best interests. That was a decent place to start when we had to look at the changes she needed to make, and I needed to make to put the M back together. It doesn’t mean my wife’s actions weren’t selfish, they were. She just wanted to understand how she failed herself, and me — which again, was something to work with.

Childhood trauma, low esteem and lousy coping mechanisms can pull the best among us off track.

In our R, we both needed to re-learn our own value in order to re-build the M.

The more we value ourselves and feel good about ourselves, the better partners we can be. And I find it applies to the hurt partner and as well the partner who did the hurting.

Was it truly out of pure curiosity?

For the most part, yes, it was simple curiosity. I will admit that are first I was a bit offended. You had deliberately left out a very significant part of your story. However, I also realized that by and large you've focused on your struggles to heal, not your wife's affair. So, I was, and still am, curious to understand why you've never mentioned this first affair before?

It's not at all surprising, by the way. Very little on this site surprises me these days. You have a habit of writing in very general terms and it's only been after some prodding that you'll share details.

Lack of trust, Shame, And Protection

I don't understand this. I think most people on this sites, myself included, are generally quite open and honest about their struggles and issues. I'm sure we all leave some stuff out, but not something as relevant as another affair.

"Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

You wrote that you reject this saying. I don't believe you. I think a big part of your struggles is that you were fooled again, already knowing what your wife was capable of doing. Thus the shame.