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Sorry for the explicit details but they are unfortunately necessary to explain what triggers me. If you read my story you'll see my husband did not have an EA or PA but has a long hisory of reaching out to women o line. 5 weeks ago I found a video from 2023 of him having a sexual encounter with a younger women during a video call on Facebook. Starting earlier this year and intensified by the aftermath of this discovery, our relationship has become amazing , It's like he woke up in January realizing he'd beem doing it all wrong his whole life and now he's a changed man, showing the emotional availability and vulnerability he never has in our 40 years together. He has been kind, caring and showing attentiveness like never before and I finally feel truly loved. He's patient and happy and finally at peace. Our sex life has improved immensely after a challenging time. I had health issues amd lack of communication on bith sides made it less than stellar. We are both learning to express ourselves and communicate like never before. We are inseparable and having fun with life like crazy. When I get triggered I tell him and he is super supportive. The challenge I have is that I often get triggered during sex. The video of her playing with her youthful breasts has triggered my insecurities about my own aging body and the images pop into my mind during sex and I question his attraction to me and make comparisons in my mind. I am also sometimes triggered by seeing his penis as his very erect penis was on the video and I could see him touching himself will viewing her breasts and more. So I am triggered and question whether he is turned on enough by me or would be more turned on by a young women. Dumb thoughts like is he as hard with me as he was when seeing her or other women. I try to push away these images and thoughts and just enjoy but it is tough. The question I have is should I let him know about this? He is deeply remorseful and shameful that he crossed this line and also that he hurt me. He has worked so hard and come so far, I almost feel like it is punishing him to bring this up. And that there is no point ruining the experience for him too and I don't know that it would serve a useful purpose. Thoughts on this?

I’ll tell you what I’ve done.

When I get those triggering thoughts now, during sex, I then just think "fuck it…not engaging" and let the thought drift through. Maybe ponder on why the thought popped up, i.e., hmmm, wonder why am I sabotaging this moment? What’s up with that? Or maybe even "well hello there old friend."

The key is to just note it and then say fuck it, and actually direct your awareness to the sex. Don’t engage it, don’t give the thought power, which is what it wants.

In general, I try not to take my mind too seriously any more. It doesn’t always act in my best interest. Think about that. 🙂

I never mention it to my wife.

While I haven't ever actually seen any videos or pics, I know enough details of my wife's PA to stitch together some nasty movies in my mind, and I'm often triggered during sex as well. "Is this how she reacted with him? Was she this excited and enthusiastic with him? More? Did she like it better with him..?"

We've always been pretty adventurous, and always have long sessions. Sometimes more than an hour. We're not really shy with each other and we're both very comfortable talking about, and asking each other questions about sex. There isn't much we haven't done. She swears it is, and always has been, better with me. I think I believe her because she's also very enthusiastic and very loud. "No. No one has ever gotten that reaction from me but you," she says, but Jesus christ. Isn't that what almost any wife or girlfriend says or does with their partner? On the plus side our sex life has improved and gone into overdrive lately, too. It's been almost every day now for over 2 months, sometimes twice a day, and it's mostly been initiated by her. The couple of times we skipped a day, she said something about it and wanted to know if something was wrong.

I'm kind of stuck on the same thing you are tho. I've brought up multiple times that it's in my mind while we're doing it. I've told her about how I keep envisioning her with him, writhing, moaning, and shouting while they did it. Him putting his hands all over her. His mouth all over her... goddamnit. It sometimes really kills the mood for me, but I manage to push through it. It just kills me thinking about it. She keeps vehemently assuring me that no one could get those very enthusiastic reactions from her but me, but again... isn't that what they all say? How do I know she isn't just saying that? I dunno. But yeah, as you can see, it bothers the hell out of me, too.

Sorry if I'm over sharing, but it's kind of my way of letting you know I think I can relate. Plus your post hits close to home and it helps getting it off my chest

As far as your thoughts on whether or not he's getting as aroused for you as he did with his AP, I can almost guarantee you he is. If he's climaxing then you're definitely getting the job done for him. Trust me, especially if your sex life has improved, you're turning him on plenty. The way you describe his actions toward you, making you feel truly loved again, putting real effort into wanting you to believe he's a safe partner again, the improved sex life... that's not easy to pull off unless it's sincere. It does sound like he's truly wanting to show you he's a safe partner again, and it seems to me he wouldn't be putting that much effort into it unless he really means it.

Even for a man, when you're in love with someone, physical characteristics aren't as important as some would make it. I think my 54 year old wife is just as sexy to me as she was when we met in our 20s, and I only have eyes for her. Don't get me wrong, she's still a very pretty girl who doesn't look her age, but she's not 27 anymore either (nor am I, lol). I'll bet you're constantly on his mind, and I'm sure you more than turn him on enough. I know what you're going through tho, and it's tough. I hesitate to say this because after a betrayal like this you should never let your guard down, but just remember that he chose you. He's with you. You're what he wants. That's what my wife keeps saying to me.

I hope the best for you guys. It sounds like you're on a pretty positive path to reconciliation. You just have some rough patches to get through still. Just like I do... sigh.

Thanks Houseofplane for sharing what helped you.

Pogre, I truly appreciate you sharing your perspective, it really really helps me. And I appreciate your kind words ;) I hope the best for you and your wife also. ❤️

We are both fairly shy and don't discuss sex much- part of what led to our issues was each thinking the other wasn't interested due to miscommunication. We have changed that now.

Last time (2014) we also had hysterical bonding daily sometimes 2-3 times a day. At 72 and 63 we aren't doing that but the sex has definitely increased to 3 times per week, which for is is a lot ;) and we spend more time than ever passionately kissing and cuddling and talking deeply, which was lacking before, especially after sex.