I Never Understood Why People Self-Destruct Until Betrayal
The trauma of betrayal can drive a person to places they never imagined they would go.
To sedatives, just to surrender to sleep.
To alcohol or drugs, just to numb the ache, even for a while.
To self-harm, to trade emotional pain for something visible, something the mind can momentarily understand.
To relentless exercise, constant movement, endless work, anything to keep the thoughts from catching up.
I never truly understood why people did these things until now.
Did any of it cross my mind? Yes.
But I did not give in. I understood those things were only band-aids. What I needed was to suture the wounds.
And so I turned inward.
I tried to understand the why beneath the pain. I journaled aggressively. I read, I learned, I searched for every possible way to quiet the mind, rewire the system and reprogramme the brain. I taught myself how to empty my head, delete and reject downloads. I sought counselling. I wanted to understand why I was feeling this so deeply when I knew, without question, that I did not want him back or anywhere near me. My body knew he longer belonged, but my mind was still living in the habit of us.
None of it has been easy. Six months in as I write this and I am still struggling, but every day, I am winning in some way. Some days the victory is clear, almost sweet in its certainty. Other days, it is harder to recognise. Some days, simply getting through the day without caving in is the win.
What I know now is that I understand more than I did before. I empathise more deeply. I see people, and pain, differently. I see myself differently.
I recognise now the extraordinary willpower it takes not to reach for help in a bottle, a pill or something sharp. The strength it takes to sit with the chaos rather than silence it.
And maybe, when I finally make it out, I can be there for others still trapped in this terrible gorge of confusion, anger, fear, loneliness and hurt.
Maybe I can reach back.
Maybe I can help pull them over too.
0 comment posted: Thursday, May 14th, 2026
Sharing My Voice For Someone Struggling to Find The Words
Rage
I know Rage
I’ve seen her peeping from around the corner
But like a well-honed lion trainer, I crack my whip
And she retreats, back into her unlocked cage.
I know Rage
I know she loves me
And every time she escapes, she charges out, circling me
When she comes, it is never to destroy me.
She burns away the grime
That has encrusted me
The pain, disappointment, hurt, anger
That has built up over decades.
She will never consume me
She only protects me
She will feed me
She gives me heat.
Rage gives me energy
She gives me light when mine is fading
And when she knows I can raise my head again and shine bright
She goes back into her cage and waits, until it’s time again.
I know Rage
She has reminded me
Of what I have given away too freely
My light, My energy.
So if you shine, it is not because your light is bright
It is because I let you shine by dimming mine
I gave you light to grow
To stand tall; to be seen; to be good and strong.
But when you abused my light to stroke your ego
To pretend to be a pure star
To bask in admiration
I took it back.
Rage gave me clarity
She reminded me
That you don’t deserve my energy anymore
You don’t get my light.
Rage yells into my soul
That what’s left of my light is for self-healing
For my children, to shine the way ahead for them so they may choose, knowing, seeing
For the work I have yet to do.
I know Rage
She has opened my eyes to the truth
More importantly
She has opened my heart to forgive myself.
For giving him my light, my energy
Believing he would protect and nurture it.
I forgive myself for standing back
Allowing him to claim accolades and recognition
For what I have grown
For what I have done.
I forgive myself for letting him gaslight me
For manipulating situations
That made me question myself
My values, my confidence, my worth.
I forgive myself for not fighting back
When he spoke down to me
In front of family and friends
Just to flex control.
I forgive myself
For not taking back my light and energy sooner
For spending decades patching the tower he needed
To appear taller, bigger, better.
Now I will smash that tower, together with Rage, and turn it to dust
I know he can never rebuild it
Because he no longer has my light ,my energy
The foundation and the glue that kept that tower standing.
It is my time to shine again.
So thank you Rage
No, I’m not cracking the whip
I can see you’re tired from protecting me
I can see you’re seeking my permission
To retreat into your cage.
So go.
Rest.
Renew.
I am good.
4 comments posted: Saturday, May 2nd, 2026
