SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all, I am brand new here and unfortunately brand new to the experience of becoming a BS.

My WS voluntarily disclosed an EA to me, and today is 3 days post-disclosure (edit: I previously said DDay + 3 but that made it sound like there were three disclosures). I think the reason I’m here is that above all I feel confused about the ‘severity’ of the EA and therefore what action is most helpful (if there is a scale - I’m sure this depends on individual feeling and boundaries). I guess I’m just looking to connect and share, since I have no idea how to tell anyone else in my life. I will keep details brief as this is new and I don’t want to share anything I later regret, but…

In short:

- WS had a 2-3 week EA

- AP had previous feelings (1 year)

- messaged on work chat and messaging apps, phone calls while commuting

- Several ‘dates’ for lunch and dinner

- No sex but WS has confirmed romantic physical contact e.g. hand-holding, long hugs

- Exposed vulnerable information about mental health, sexuality

- discussions to the tune of ‘I wish we met under different circumstances’

Because the timeframe was short, and because WS voluntarily disclosed, I thought I could cope well. But it seems to have been a very intense entanglement and I feel very confused. WS hasn’t sent a NC message yet. It feels like we’re going through the motions just trying to get through each day. Both mentally shattered. WS seems afraid to hurt AP's feelings. WS feels manipulated and helpless, but yesterday expressed more accountability and seemed to come to realisation of his responsibility. WS is a self-conscious person who feels very deeply - I'm blindsided and somehow also rationalising it away.

We have both expressed desire for R (M was previously very positive, open, communicative, and WS means the world to me), but right now I am really hurting. Any thoughts on how to get through these first few weeks? I just don't think we can afford MC. Thank you.

[This message edited by TakingSmallSteps at 3:15 PM, Wednesday, July 1st]

Read about limerence. It’s the honeymoon stage of anything that’s new and exciting. The problem is you assume that it is the real deal. You get the same feeling if you buy a car you’ve always wanted. You get the same feeling if you’re given a job you’ve applied for. Or made a new friend or bought a new house. Anything new and exciting gives you this wonderful euphoria. Limerence is the feeling that this is the one and only. It’s unreal. What he’s dealing with right now are feel good hormones flooding his brain, but they’re not going to last. In the meantime, he might just screw up a perfectly good relationship.

He probably felt the same way when he met you, but the difference is Limerence went away and reality came in and now he is looking for that new and exciting thing. He has the love of a perfectly good person, waiting at home for him. But that perfectly good person no longer gets those wild hormones floating around in his brain. All you can hope for is that reality sets in fairly quickly and he realizes that he made up a whole lot of this stuff in his head. If she chased him, it just felt so good to his ego.

I’m sorry you are here TSS. You will get much needed support.

First is to maintain your health as much as possible. Stay away from alcohol or unprescribed drugs. See your physician if you are having trouble sleeping. Try to exercise, even if it’s just a walk for fresh air.

Read the pinned posts here as well as in the wandering spouse page. Do not feel this is up to you to fix. Your spouse figured out how to have an affair. If he is truly committed to you and your marriage he can figure out how to fix this.

Now….. while it is a positive that he confessed…. this is not an emotional affair, but a physical affair. Meeting for lunch/dinner, hugs, etc., using marital funds when on a date, the emotional conversations all go well beyond an emotional affair.

Also, most people will confess to the bare minimum. And why did he confess-likely she was already wanting more if she has been crushing on him for a year.

Adults do adult things when alone. Long hugs, without a kiss??? Hand holding without touching a knee???

Most of us will strongly suggest you do not have the full truth. Until you have that, reconciliation doesn’t come close to starting. Plus a full written timeline of the affair.

Take care. Post often. Do you have a trusted friend or family member to tell for support?

And do not do MC right away. Your marriage did not cheat. He did. Individual counseling for both of you is urged. Plus, for you an IC that specifically is trained in infidelity trauma.

TSS

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Infidelity is a terrible form

of abuse. Right now I am guessing you are in shock. Any decisions concerning

reconciliation or divorce should not be made by you until your emotions settle

and you have had time to process everything. Forget the marriage counseling, it

really isn't for infidelity issues. Your WS needs the individual counseling. I do want to

warn you about "trickle truth". I can assure you the story you have been told has

been watered down and minimized. I am sure what happened is much worse than what

you have been told. You need to put the pressure on to get the truth. There is

no healing without the truth. Take care of yourself. Eat sleep and avoid alcohol.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 2:17 PM, Wednesday, July 1st]

Voluntary disclosure is a good thing, so you have that.

I'm a little bit confused about a 2 to 3 week EA and a voluntary confession with 3 d days? I'm also dubious about there being no sex when there were multiple lunch and dinner dates with some physical contact. It's possible there was nothing physically sexual, but unlikely if there was opportunity. These are things to think about.

One thing that's pretty consistent is that cheaters lie. It comes with the territory. You can't conduct any kind of an affair without deception, obfuscation, or lies. Its very rare for a wayward spouse to tell the whole truth, the whole story, right off the bat. The fact that he voluntarily confessed is a good thing and might put him in that rare category, but I wouldn't just assume that.

As far as "severity" goes, it can be argued some affairs are worse than others, and if what you're hearing is accurate this affair would register fairly low on the severity scale, but... no matter what happened there was a betrayal. I've seen it said that no matter the type of affair it was, it's always severe to the person experiencing the fallout.

Some people feel that exchanging kisses can be worse than just straight up sex. For instance, a spouse using prostitutes might not be as severe to someone as there being actual romance involved. Hand holding, kisses, and exchanging "I love yous" without sex could be perceived as "worse" than visiting prostitutes. It depends on the person. I personally think EAs can be just as bad a full on physical affairs.

The struggle to send a NC message is a red flag. Worrying about hurting AP's feelings while you, his wife, are bleeding out from the wound of betrayal is a red flag. That should happen ASAP. What's more important? Saving your marriage or protecting AP's feelings? A truly remorseful WS is willing to do anything it takes to save the marriage. No contact is the very first, most basic step in that process. Your feelings should trump all others in this situation.

It's not about getting through the first few weeks. More like the first few months. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. The general rule for recovery is 2 to 5 years, and that's when everything is going as well as possible. My d day was well over a year ago and I'm just now starting to get my feet back under me. I don't think you're even going to begin to start healing until that no contact message is sent and all ties are cut with her. If they're still in contact the affair is still ongoing.

What you need to know is that none of this is your fault. No matter what was happening in your marriage there's never a justification for an affair. You said that the marriage was going well before so I'm assuming he's not pinning any of this on you, but if he is, it's just a load of crap. No marriage is ever fixed or made better by bringing a third party into it.

Pogre once again nails it.

This is not your fault, your feelings and trauma are real. You will need time to heal from this. At least your partner voluntarily disclosed this, but keep an eye on them. Their actions will speak volumes.

Take care of yourself, and don't rush any decisions. I'm on week 7 after DDay and my anxiety, my sleep, my stress have all been all over the place. I've finally started to make a turn for the better (I think) and a lot of it has to do with the help I've gotten here from the kind folks who are sharing with us.

Post your feelings here, don't be afraid to talk here.

Thank you for the quick responses, it's amazing that this has already made me feel a bit less alone.

Read about limerence. It’s the honeymoon stage of anything that’s new and exciting.

To Cooley2here - This has come up in my research, and I'll look more into it. I'm so desperate to understand his mental state as if it might make me feel better or give an 'excuse' for this behaviour - but I know the answers won't come clearly or cleanly. You're totally right about our own early relationship: it was very intense, loving and 'like the movies'. Since buying a house and having a kid, things have of course become more mundane - but I honestly find this stuff so motivating and fulfilling that I assumed we would get through to better/easier days without a relationship crisis. Feeling a bit foolish about that now...

Now….. while it is a positive that he confessed…. this is not an emotional affair, but a physical affair. Meeting for lunch/dinner, hugs, etc., using marital funds when on a date, the emotional conversations all go well beyond an emotional affair.

To AnnieOakley - I genuinely had not considered this, so thank you for sharing your definition. And on your point about the AP wanting more, they did actually express this in a message. AP was careful to say 'if you weren't married', but also sent several clear messages that she cared about WS deeply and wanted to kiss/be more physical. I really, really want to trust him that hand-holding is as far as the physicality went... But I will push for the full timeline written down in as much detail as possible.

Forget the marriage counseling, it really isn't for infidelity issues. Your WS needs the individual counseling.

And to Gutpunch - thank you too! I don't know the first thing about counselling in this context. WS has done some therapy before, so hopefully will be open to it again. That's a topic we still need to discuss...

I think I have a lot of reading to do. Maybe will prevent me crying on the kitchen floor too much

Crying is totally OK. It's a reaction/expression to what's happened and what you're feeling.

I've been going to the locker room at my work and crying at least once a day. Your experience, the trauma from it are real. Don't beat yourself.

Reading and researching things is helpful as well, but I'd suggest both of you talk to a counselor/therapist through this. MC can come later, but the two of you can both benefit from talking about your feelings and mental/emotional states with a professional.

We're all sorry that you're here, but at least you're here with us.

petecarparts and Pogre, thank you for reaching out.

I'm a little bit confused about a 2 to 3 week EA and a voluntary confession with 3 d days?

I think this is me misunderstanding terminology, sorry about that - I meant the affair last just over 2 weeks (in June), then there was disclosure this past Sunday, so we're 3 days post-disclosure.

And yes - my most immediate concern is that he's so nervous about hurting his AP with a NC letter. To me this signals that even though he has shared with me, he clearly still has very complex feelings about this other person. I recognise his feelings are going to take a while to go away/settle - but I can't see the process even starting until that message is sent... Wish me luck this week trying to make sure it happens!!

WS is not blaming me for anything - he insists that I am the best wife in the world, and he's so grateful to have me. Of course this is nice to hear on one level, but I also feel so confused I'm not sure I believe him anymore... If I was the best wife, why is hurting me like this even possible to him? Whew, so many strong emotions...

I'm definitely going to be riding some waves in the next few weeks. I think this forum is going to be really helpful, though.

my most immediate concern is that he's so nervous about hurting his AP with a NC letter. To me this signals that even though he has shared with me, he clearly still has very complex feelings about this other person. I recognise his feelings are going to take a while to go away/settle - but I can't see the process even starting until that message is sent

That is a concern, as Pogre already pointed out. He’s protecting her feelings at the expense of yours. He should falling all over himself to stop you from leaving him. He needs to locate his head, and pull it out.

Have you seen the NC letter? You should have sight of it and you should be in a position to confirm that it has been sent. It should be a short message, and should contain none of this "if only we’d met when we were younger" stuff.

BUT: you don’t ’make sure it happens’. That’s you trying to control him, which you should not attempt since it will not work anyway. Just let him know your watching what he does, and that he has a very brief window of time to prove through ACTIONS that he’s committed to trying to clean up the mess he’s made and saving the marriage.

I think this is me misunderstanding terminology, sorry about that - I meant the affair last just over 2 weeks (in June), then there was disclosure this past Sunday, so we're 3 days post-disclosure.

Ah, I understand. I think you have a good grasp of the terminology, I just misread what you meant. My bad.

And yes - my most immediate concern is that he's so nervous about hurting his AP with a NC letter. To me this signals that even though he has shared with me, he clearly still has very complex feelings about this other person. I recognise his feelings are going to take a while to go away/settle - but I can't see the process even starting until that message is sent... Wish me luck this week trying to make sure it happens!!

It should be your most immediate concern, and rightly so. You're also not wrong about him likely having complex feelings, but this needs to be nipped immediately.

I won't BS you, I went through this with my wife, and it was pure torture. Every time her notifications went off or a certain ring tone sounded I needed to be peeled off of the ceiling. It's not good. I put upmwith nonsense I should never have put up with for about a month before I just broke. I'd finally had enough and started calling divorce lawyers and set up consultations right in front of her.

That changed everything. When faced with the real possibility of divorce all of a sudden her AP's feelings (and hers toward him) became very inconsequential and saving our marriage became her top priority. She sent that NC message, blocked him on everything, put in for a location transfer at work (he was a co worker), and rolled her sleeves up and began real work on fixing what she'd broken. She's been rock solid for the last year now. Now she can't stand even hearing his name mentioned. He showed up at her location at work about a month ago. She reported him to supervision and he was escorted off the property. She ducked into a side office and remained there until he was gone.

I don't know if you're at that point yet, but if he drags his heels there's a saying here. Sometimes to save a marriage you have to be willing to let it go. I wasn't just bluffing when I called those lawyers. I was resigned to the fact that our marriage was over. To me there are worse things than divorce, and living in uncertainty and infidelity is one of them. The person who is more willing to walk away is the one who holds the most power. Don't let him dictate how recovery goes. This should be on your terms and your timetable. Recovering from infidelity is not a sprint, it's a marathon, and there aren't any shortcuts. You're going to need lots of time. Like I said, it can take years to recover, and true reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress.

WS is not blaming me for anything - he insists that I am the best wife in the world, and he's so grateful to have me. Of course this is nice to hear on one level, but I also feel so confused I'm not sure I believe him anymore... If I was the best wife, why is hurting me like this even possible to him? Whew, so many strong emotions...

It's a very good thing he isn't blaming you. That's pretty positive. However, I would think a man would be willing to do anything for "the best wife in the world." Including sending a no contact message or letter. Your confusion and doubts are not only understandable, they're completely normal. Your questions and feelings are totally in line with what's going on.

I'm definitely going to be riding some waves in the next few weeks. I think this forum is going to be really helpful, though.

You will. We call it the emotional roller coaster. Also completely normal. You'll be feeling pretty good and positive in one moment, then on the kitchen floor in tears the next. I hope he's strapped in for the ride, because you'll be on it for quite a while. It's common for this to stretch out for the first year, so don't beat yourself up over it, and don't feel like you're being unreasonable or crazy. This is normal. Just hang in there.

For now I don't think you can believe much of what he says. Don't get me wrong, words count. They matter, but actions are everything. Watch him close. Pay more attention to what he does than what he says. His actions over the next few weeks are going to tell you a lot. I hope things go well for you. Please, stick around and keep posting. There's a very good group of folks here who know and understand what you're going through. These forums were a lifesaver for me for those first few months. Ask any questions or use us just to vent if you need it. That's what we're here for. There's a wealth of combined experience and information here. We really do care. You have been heard.

Lots of great advice here already, so I will just add that my WS struggled to go NC with the AP (and after a longer, physical affair). He would worry more about her feelings than mine. He could not imagine going NC and felt they could continue to just be friends. (Suuuuure!) At the time, I thought that this was a sign that we would not make it.

But as he and I both learned more about limerance, as he came to recognize the fantasy and what was essentially a sort of addiction to the dopamine hit, as he came to understand that the affair was a dysfunctional coping mechanism for depression, his feelings about her and about the affair changed to deep shame. He has been NC for three years and could not care less about her because he realizes that it was never really her that he loved. He loved the feeling; he loved the dopamine hit.

It takes time—for you to understand and process what happened, for him to understand what he was really seeking though the AP.

As others have said, wait and watch. Invest the time and energy in you. Whatever is to come, you will grow stronger from this. This community will be here for you when you need us.

I can only say, again, thank you and thank you more! It is very comforting to know there are others who have been through this and come out the other side, regardless of the outcome on paper. Though of course awful that we're all in such a crappy boat...

BUT: you don’t ’make sure it happens’. That’s you trying to control him, which you should not attempt since it will not work anyway.

Letmebefrank you are right! I probably worded my post a bit strongly, I'm not going to be breathing down his neck but I do want to see the letter before he sends it. Ideally I do want it to feel like something we're working on as a team, even though the responsibility to send and hold that boundary will ultimately come down to him.

A few people have mentioned now that there's a good chance I'm getting 'trickle truths' and that there might be more to the affair than he has shared so far. Considering he only used the word 'affair' for the first time today, I think he is really struggling to accept his own behaviour. Does anyone have any tips on how to bring up that next step of the conversation - really trying to get to the whole truth, no omissions?

One suggestion is to offer him a kind of amnesty. You say: I won’t make any decisions about leaving you for [3 months, pick your time period] if you give me the full story NOW. No matter how "bad" it may seem today, it will be infinitely worse if I find out the truth later. You’re trying to figure out if you can trust him again - now is the time for him to start the long journey back to being trusted.

Ask him for a written timeline which details the affair and that he can verify his honesty by having that timeline validated by a polygraph examination (lie detector test).

Maybe share with him Joseph’s letter: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/ if you think it will resonate.

Thanks, I'm definitely hearing 'timeline' a lot, so along with the NC letter I think this is the next focus for us. Gosh, it's like having a really depressing new evening hobby at the moment. Dreading how long this will go on and it's only been a few days...
Thank you all for the messages today, I'll keep this thread updated.

Letmebefrank you are right! I probably worded my post a bit strongly, I'm not going to be breathing down his neck but I do want to see the letter before he sends it. Ideally I do want it to feel like something we're working on as a team, even though the responsibility to send and hold that boundary will ultimately come down to him.

The distinction Letmebefrank is drawing, if I understand correctly, is not "breathing down his neck" vs a more standoffish version of the same; it's that you need to start making ground rules for moving forward. For example, rather than expressing that you "want to see the letter before he sends it" you would make it clear that this is a pre-requisite of any chance of reconciliation.

Gosh, it's like having a really depressing new evening hobby at the moment.

I never in my life ever expected to wind up on a forum like this. The subject of infidelity has consumed a lot of my downtime over the last year. It's a real mind twister. This experience has changed my whole worldview. It's not a small thing.

I've seen people say it's worse than the death of a loved one, topped only by the loss of a child. It's traumatic. PTSD symptoms are common. I felt like a building had just dropped out of the sky and landed on me out of nowhere. There was no warning, no obvious signs (at least at the time), and it felt like my entire life, everything I believed, just disintegrated in an instant. One minute everything was more or less normal, and the next it felt like nothing was real.

I will say I've seen much worse than your story here. I don't think you're in a hopeless situation. Thats not to downplay your trauma, but your husband at least came to you and admitted what's been going on, and seems to be feeling pretty bad about it. His reluctance to send that NC message is troubling, but not super uncommon. I think he still might have his head shoved up in a place where heads don't belong, but it's not too late to pull it out and start doing the right things. He needs to get his priorities straight pretty quick.

You're offering him a gift he doesn't deserve. A chance to reconcile. For some people it's an instant and immediate deal breaker with no questions asked. He needs to appreciate that and not misuse or fumble this opportunity.

My wife tells me almost every day that she's grateful for the opportunity to prove to me we're worth working on.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:55 PM, Wednesday, July 1st]

So sorry you’re here. Please take exquisite care of yourself. This is trauma - make no mistake. You need all the support you can get right now! IC with a therapist trained in trauma recovery would be a great start. Is there a friend or family member (or two or three) you can reach out to for support? Someone who has your back and will stand by you no matter how you decide to proceed - whether the outcome is going or staying? Don’t isolate yourself to protect his image, or because YOU feel embarrassment or shame about his choices!! One of the best things I did for my wellbeing after D-day was open up to a few trusted, select people - they already knew something was up - two friends did a kind of intervention because it was obvious something was seriously wrong (I was a distraught mess), and they wanted to help. Their unconditional love and support made a huge difference.

A few thoughts - work chat was mentioned. Do H and affair accomplice work together? If so, how are they placed in the work hierarchy? Supervisor or subordinate? Coworker, Team member? Are their offices/work stations near each other? Is affair accomplice in a monogamous relationship?

ETA:

Suggest reaching out to Doctors for support as well. Don't be shy about telling them what's going on. They've heard it all. Docs can help with temporary meds for sleep or anxiety, counseling referrals for insurance, support letter for temp leave of absence from work, etc. And get tested for STI's including HPV pelvic exam. Better safe than sorry. If H is serious about attempting R, he should willingly get tested as well. As someone pointed out earlier, pay close attention to his ACTIONS - not his words.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:33 PM, Wednesday, July 1st]

Gotta run, but ...

My reco is NOT to offer amnesty. It's remotely possible that your WS did something that is a total, absolute deal killer for you. If you give amnesty, you're stuck going back on your word or staying when every cell in your body is telling you to run.

I told my W, 'If it comes out now, I may walk. If it comes out in the future, I will walk.' I don't know how effective that was, though, because my W was committed to honesty from d-day forward.

Have faith in yourself to heal.

Welcome to the club that nobody ever wanted to be a member of and sorry you are here but you have found an incredible place for support and advice

Regarding severity, that is your call. I was ready to file for divorce after learning that my wife was sexting with a co-worker. To some this is barely a hiccup in a relationship but to me it destroyed 27 years of relationship. The person I thought I knew inside and out turned out to have another side that I never imagined could exist nor would any of our family and friends

The fact he voluntarily disclosed this is huge in my book. It seems like 99% of Affairs are discovered by the BS. R with my wife would have been much easier, I think, had she come to me because the guilt was crushing her.

Your husband was not manipulated. He voluntarily chose multiple times to engage in an affair. And as others have said, I would not be the least bit surprised to learn there is more to it. WS's tend to disclose only as much as they think they have to in order to placate the BS. One way to test this Theory is to ask him to write out a complete timeline from beginning to end including every tiny little detail. After he has done so ask him if this is everything and when he says yes then you ask him if he is willing to take a polygraph test

If his immediate responses yes then there's a chance he was honest but if he stalls or says no then chances are very good he did not tell you everything

Him continuing to work with this woman is going to be a problem for you because that means they still have easy access to each other. Were you to ask him to find another job would he? A truly remorseful WS will do anything and everything to repair the damage he / she has caused.

You say you think your husband is worried about hurting his AP's feelings. If this is true that it is going to make R incredibly difficult if not impossible. He needs to completely cut her out of his life. He needs to make it very clear to her that his only mission in life right now is to repair the damage he has done to his marriage

You are still in the very beginning stages of processing this and your emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for a long time and this is totally normal. But you have found a great place for support and advice