SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

I’m new here - literally registered today. My husband has had what I now know to be an emotional affair - I didn’t even know it was a thing. I’d been ignoring my instincts for about 3 months before I confronted him after finding messages on his phone 3 months ago. It had been going on for over a year. Runs and drinks in the pubs and messages - that disappeared.

I’m barely functioning. 18 years of marriage and I never EVER thought I couldn’t trust him. All of last year now feels a lie.

He has stopped contact. But they work in the same place. So there will be professional contact.

Just grieving and sad.

So sorry this happens to so many people.

I'm so sorry to hear this, I know how painful this is. Others will come along to offer their own words of comfort and excellent advice. I do think you will find this site very helpful.

Right now, consider that you are in a devastated emotional state, probably affecting your body too - take care to eat, drink and sleep enough now, you have to take care of yourself now, extra care. You may not be in a good position to make decisions right now so you should seek out professional advice. I would go to a lawyer and see what divorce looks like for you. You may not consider this at all and you may not have to, but you should know this information for your own safety and it will bring you some comfort that a future, even without your husband, is very possible. We should always be prepared for future problems, especially with finances. Check out some lawyers and go with the one you're most comfortable with that seems to have a good track record. You don't have to share this with your husband. I'd keep a lot of stuff to myself at this point.

I hate to say this, to cause you perhaps more pain, but I think you have to consider that his may well be more than just an emotional affair especially as they have physical access to each other. Many will start off explaining their affair that it was just on line, an emotional affair, just a few kisses....and there's more. This IS something to consider - do not trust what he tells you at this point. Try to verify things if you can. You should check his social media, computer, check the deleted files, and also your financial records to see if he's done any strange spending. I know this is a lot to think about but...hopefully it IS just an emotional affair, not to make that light, but that it's not more enmeshed than that. I would also get an STD test. Yes, this is all the crap that happens when people cheat.

Always remember that he didn't cheat because of you....this isn't your fault. Maybe he wants something different or better or this was an ego boost or whatever, but that's all IN HIS HEAD and nothing you did. Don't accept any blame for this. IMO, people cheat for 2 reasons: 1. Because they want to and 2. Because they think they can get away with it. Keep in mind, also, what YOU want out of a marriage and a spouse and whether he has been living up to those things....or if things are lacking for you in various ways. They often are in cheating relationships. You are the victim here....do whatever it takes to make yourself feel whole....don't primarily consider his feelings or have a "poor baby" attitude....your needs at this point have to take center stage. You may not be used to that position and you need to, if that's true.

The last point I'll make right now is that.....HE SHOULD LEAVE THIS JOB. Obviously people who are cheating with someone should not be seeing that person or engaging with them. If he can leave the job at all, he should. I know times are tough but....it's a practical thing. It's also a consequence. If he can't leave right now, he has to minimize contact and no after work things or events. One thing you have seen, which no doubt has amazed you, as it amazed me.....is that you can't trust him anymore...not for the foreseeable future. You never would have thought he would do this, it was probably unthinkable. It was for me too. But now you know he CAN, so you have to be wary. Once you know, you know, and you can't go back to the way things were before. We all got kicked out of Eden. This is post-Eden.

You WILL get through this, I think you will come out stronger and clearer about your own needs, goals, and boundaries. Have belief in yourself and take care of yourself, put YOU first. Good luck!

You may want to be prepared that it was physical also.

Runs and drinks - 🚩

Work together (after Dday) - 🚩

They had opportunity to be together physically.

I just don’t want you to be blindsided down the road should this info pop up.

And if I were you I would just want to be prepared.

My H swears up and down his 4 year EA (in person) was never physical. I have no proof but I seriously doubt it remained strictly EA given how very interested the OW was.

Sorry you found yourself here Bountybar.

In addition to what Jane wrote, try to get some exercise. It will make you feel better and help you sleep. If you need to, ask your doctor for anti-anxiety and/or anti-depression medicine. And sleep aids if you need them.

There are a lot of good articles in the Healing Library that you should read.

It’s very common for cheaters to continue lying after discovery. One of the more common experiences is "trickle truth", in which the WS dribbles out new information slowly as their web of lies unravels. But Jane’s right, "over a year" is a long time, and since they were in close proximity the whole time, and drinking together, the odds are that the affair was physical. You both need STD tests, and he needs to show you evidence of his (not just tell you the results).

Does the AP have a husband? Find that out, and then contact him directly (without forewarning your WH) and let him know. He deserves to know the truth about his own marriage.

Another common thing is for As to go underground after discovery. The fact that they continue to see each other daily means, in my opinion, that the A is still ongoing. Affairs operate like addition. The analogy often given is to think of your WH as an alcoholic. Working with his AP is like having an alcoholic being a bartender. It’s not going to work. And your nervous system is going to short circuit worrying about it all day long.

Thanks everyone.
Definitely not physical. I have pressed and pressed on this point and if he’s lying, then, thats it. I’ve imagined confronting her and asking her for her version, but if I can’t trust him then there is no point in trying to rebuild. They work in a large place which means they would have to choose to meet up rather than bump in to each other daily. In the last three months there have been two corridor passes and one professional 3 minute conversation.

She is going through a divorce herself (her husband had an affair and left her.

Yes - I’ve had the ‘we were just friends’. She had feelings and wanted more. He apparently made it clear friendship was the only thing on offer. But he still kept it secret from me.

He is devastated. Says it was a different person. Can’t believe he has caused so much pain to the person he adores.

For me, and why I’m here, is to find out more about nervous system healing. How to avoid spiralling and replaying everything, and ultimately hope that this new marriage we build will be better?

She had feelings and wanted more. He apparently made it clear friendship was the only thing on offer. But he still kept it secret from me.

and deleted all the messages so all you have to go on is his word. Have you considered a polygraph?

For your healing, are you seeing a therapist - one that specializes in betrayal trauma?

Hi again

Is that like a lie detector? I haven’t considered that. Although messages are deleted, I did find a note he had written himself last June which backs up that he had told her he just wanted to be friends. Unfortunately - actions speak louder than words, so you can say you just wanted to be friends- but then surely a platonic relationship doesn’t need to be kept secret. I’ve challenged him on this. He thought he could slowly bring the friendship out in to the open with me and avoid the risk of losing me.

I know I’ll never likely know the full truth, but I have chosen to believe him that the physical side didn’t happen.

She hasn’t messaged him in 3 months since he has told her NC. I have full access to his phone.

I spoke to mental help services today and have signed up to an anxiety course. Hopefully that will help.

Yesterday I was sad and crying and grieving. Today I feel calm and resolute and hopeful.

He is doing all the right things. Sharing all his passwords etc. Acknowledging the pain he has caused. No minimising what happened.

I just want to survive and be happy again.

Just so sad our marriage from before this happened will never be the same. But equally hopeful that we can build something stronger.

I’m glad I’ve found this group.

Thanks for all the messages. So appreciated.

Just so sad our marriage from before this happened will never be the same. But equally hopeful that we can build something stronger.

Definitely not the same. Infidelity is something that we just don't forget. But yes, your marriage can be very strong and happy again...if you both put in the sustained effort. Many members are happily reconciled.

It just stinks that they have devastate us to realize the damage they caused. In hindsight, knowing what he knows now, would he have done what he did? Doubtful, but it isn't a huge consolation. We were undervalued and underestimated, and now we all pay the price. Hard lessons learned.

Sorry you are here :/ 27 years of relationship evaporated in 30 seconds when I read the texts/sexts between my wife and the school cop.

Everything you thought was real and safe and secure, gone. AFAIK the only physical contact was an "accidental" (BS) ass touch. He allegedly had a couple of broken ribs and when he went to stand up he "stumbled" and SOMEHOW his hand touched her ass. I lol'd in her face when she told me and said "You cannot be that f'ing naive. It was a test to gauge your reaction and since you were not offended he knew he could push the envelope. I'm fact, I'm guessing you laughed and enjoyed it"

WS's have a tendency to tell only as much as they think the BS needs to hear to move on. Your husband could be telling the truth, or not.

One way to possibly tell is to have him write out a complete timeline of everything that happened. Everything. When he is done ask "Is this everything?" When he says yes ask if he is willing to take a polygraph. If his immediate answer is yes then there's a chance he's being honest but if he stalls or asks why there's a very good chance he didn't write down everything.

Tell him you want to send his phone to a data recovery company to see if they can recover the deleted messages. His reaction will speak volumes.

Get tested for STDs. He says no physical contact but he wouldn't be the first WS to lie. My wife's AP has had multiple physical affairs. After my wife he ended up banging the school social worker not only in his car but on her desk, in school, while school was in session :/

Ask him if he is willing to find another job. A truly remorseful WS will do ANYTHING to save the relationship. Again his reaction will speak volumes.

You have found a great place for advice and support :)

Look like wife told you, it is not to bash you or trying to hurt you more, but to avoid being blindsided by what is called trickle truths.

You have beef betrayed, there is no difference how intimate they got, physically or emotionally, it’s trauma the same.

What can hurt you more, is discovering later on that "all the right things " he appears to be doing now might have been mixed up with lies.

If you begin healing and later find out the regret was paired with lies and it was physical (and really, things will always come out, even years after), all the healing you do gets reset as you’ll feel cast back into the abyss.

You don’t want that.
Preparing and accepting that he is a liar and there could be more sordid stuff he is still hiding, is self defense for you.

One example catching the eye: he said to the other woman he can only "offer friendship "

Horseshoe! I highly doubt that if she were "just a friend " he’d have to keep it hidden from you.

In short if that was true you wouldn’t have been betrayed, you would be fine and wouldn’t be here.

See what the problem is?

A cheater IS a liar. If he regrets what he did he might be able to change with a lot of work and therapy.
But even so it takes Time to go from lying traitor to sincere partner.

Not impossible but unlikely it’s lie free so early in the game