SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry if this is the wrong board, im just so devastated.

Short version WH had an EA last year with work colleague (i have posted on reconciling a few times since)

Since the reconciling decision was made in july, he has done nothing but disrespect me, which got worse, shown me he dosent value me, put her feelings first,continued to interact with ow in chats and started going on work socials with her present again , and caused numerous rows about going. Despite me feeling upset and not wanting him to go for obvious reasons. There has been many, many red flags since March time that hes still in touch with ow but he has denied. The whole situation has destroyed me emotionally and made me an insecure shell.

Fast forward to now hes now saying he wants to leave and cant cope with my child's mental health issues, and ive agreed theres no trust there at all and everything hes doing so its all screwed. 10 years down the drain due to him, a homewrecker and his behaviour. Am I right in thinking she will be waiting In the wings and it will all come out eventually and to prepare myself for it. He says theres no one else, they all say that!!! Im so devastated its come to this, at least I know i tried and am a good person, he dosent care 💔💔

He wants to stay friends and be there for me, he should have been there for me in the first place 💔

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 10:49 PM, Monday, June 1st]

He wants to stay friends and be there for me, he should have been there for me in the first place 💔

Yeah, mine said the same thing, and it's infuriating. We tried being friendly and having family night once a week for our kid until he decided to start dating, at which point I went no contact except for kid-related communication. It's all done to make them feel less terrible about themselves until they swing right back to being selfish.

In your case, yeah, be prepared for him to go running to her if she's available. Sounds like he's had one foot in, one foot out this whole time.

Is your child from a previous relationship? Will you have full custody going forward? Because a father who "can't cope" with his child's health problems (mental or otherwise) and uses that as a reason to run away is not a very good father. I think your child would be better off with you as the primary caregiver.

I'm sorry for your heartbreak. I can attest that there is peace on the other side of failed R, though.

So sorry KCK.

It’s so hard when the WS doesn’t have the character and fortitude to fix what they broke. It’s time to meet wtih a few lawyers and see what the next steps should look like, as painful as this will be.

Please focus on you and your kid. Things will get better. When you are away from his disrespect, you may find yourself more relaxed. No more eggshells, no more wondering what kind of mood he’ll be in. It takes time, but you will get better.

You don’t need to be friends with him. you may need to co-parent, but they are not the same thing.
Time to go LC/NC.

Keep posting. And hang in there.

Thank you both 🫂

Nothanksforthememories- no hes their step parent so easier to cut it all off and walk, despite raising them since they were toddlers (now young adult)

Just so heartbroken but know its time, its not working and its all on him and his behaviour and involvement with ow. I definitely think shes still there in the background or someone else is.

When he went on the first social with her after 8 months, a few days later he changed his pin on his phone (one of the rules on reconciling was we have each others pins and i followed the advice on here, transparency etc) but he then came out with its "controlling" and "i dont need his pin anymore" and im not having it. This caused me further upset and anxiety.

But to me its like its reignited things between them being around each other and things have escalated more. Ow also posted a photo publicly on her social media where they are stood together with heads together in a group, just to rub it in. It made me so angry and when I told him I got accused of stalking her and that i shouldnt be looking!!! Of course im going to look, as i knew that would happen.. Definitely purposefully by her. Despite him saying to me he would "not be around her much his other mates are there" . Its just constant bs.

I think its been leading up to this for 3 months if not more and now using my child as an excuse to get out. Hes treated me appallingly I cant get my head round how someone could do this to me. Hes also got aggressive, gaslighted and manipulated. He has many narcissistic traits (not the worst type but def narcissistic) and its like the discard for me. Hes got new supply waiting now, wants to do what he wants after breaking me and thinks the grass is greener. It wont be. Unfortunately for me im guessing its trauma bonded - im still in love with him physically but the emotional side not. Im just totally done 💔😪

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 9:24 AM, Tuesday, June 2nd]

Heart and mind take some time to sync up. Your heart will catch up. He’s also just… habit. Just habit.
You are used to him, like an old worn out pair of shoes or a ten year old mattress. You know where it’s worn out and how to get comfy. BUt then you get a new one and you will be like - whoa! THIS is comfortable. No lumps, troughs, worn heels. No things you have to be wary of or navigate around.

Trust your mind that you are done. Things will look very different once you are further down the road.

Kittycatkitty I am so sorry I can really feel how heartbroken and exhausted you are from your posts and sounds as though you have tried so hard to give reconciliation a chance but he has kept doing things that make you feel unsafe instead of protected.

He wants to stay friends and be there for me, he should have been there for me in the first place

Completely understand why that hurts so much because offering friendship after failing to show loyalty respect and emotional safety inside the relationship itself can feel almost insulting - it is like being offered the crumbs after the damage has already been done.

When he went on the first social with her after 8 months, a few days later he changed his pin on his phone

After betrayal transparency is not controlling - it is part of rebuilding safety and having each other’s PINs was one of the agreed conditions of reconciliation then changing it afterwards is obviously going to feel like a massive red flag. I also understand the pain of being accused of "stalking" or looking when your nervous system is reacting to the very situation he created as trust had already been damaged and then his behaviour gave you more reasons to feel unsafe. Please remember that you can still love someone miss them feel physically attached to them and still know that the situation is breaking you - those things can all exist at the same time especially when trauma and attachment are tangled together.

Please be gentle with yourself. From what you have written, this does not sound like you failed reconciliation. It sounds like you were trying to reconcile with someone who kept making choices that made reconciliation impossible.

this does not sound like you failed reconciliation. It sounds like you were trying to reconcile with someone who kept making choices that made reconciliation impossible.

💯% spot on.

He’s got someone waiting for him. The signs are there.

Changed PIN code and "the betrayed doesn’t need it as it’s controlling".

Mean and rude to you - he has to somehow "hate" you in order to be true to the OW

Using kid’s health issue as an excuse to run out the door - that’s pretty low

All the evidence points to him still having an affair unfortunately.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:48 AM, Wednesday, June 3rd]

Thanks all I really appreciate the support and kind words xx

Oh, Kittycat, he is definitely involved with her again, if not physically, then definitely emotionally. I agree with the others - the signs are all there.

I'm glad the kids are young adults. I hope they're understanding and supportive of you as you go through the divorce, and I hope you can be honest with them about his infidelity (at least the basics) so they know you aren't doing this on a whim. I also hope that you have some good people in your life to lean on as you deal with the double stress of your WH's behavior and your kid's mental health. I've found it really helpful to open - the more honest I am with my friends, the more they share their own struggles. Midlife can be hard and lonely.

Thank you all yes I have good support but im an emotional wreck. I just cant understand how anyone could do this, how he can see me hurt and in pain and just do what he wants anyway.

Keeping in touch with that vile homewrecking scum despite knowing what's gone on, let her rub my face in it, and more. Lying and gaslighting me, saying if I bring it up one more time hes had enough. Lying about chatting to her and changing his pin then saying im controlling. Hes obviously got feelings for her, any normal decent H would of done everything and anything to get rid last year, cut her off harshly and done many other things to prove he loved and valued me and it was a genuine mistake. But no 💔 and then things ending like this, blaming my childs mental health and showing no emotions. I was crying yesterday saying how stressed I am and that its come to this and he was getting at me about sorting finances aa he "dosent want me struggling when hes gone" . No hugs or im sorry or you will be ok. Nothing he just sat there. I know its because hes detached from it and focusing on what hes going to be doing. Living it up single life doing what he wants and likely sex from ow whilst im here to pick up the pieces. Just broken 💔

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 8:38 AM, Wednesday, June 3rd]

Temporarily broken. You can and will heal. And I think you will see things so differently in 6 months and a year from now. You will see yourself as the absolute badass that you are.

Since he says he wants you to be financially comfortable, now is the time to take him up on that and get it in writing as part of a D contract. I know you don’t want this, but if you can lace up your bitch boots and take a bit of control of the D, you can help this be more in your favor while he is feeling generous. This may not last, so you need to strike while the iron is hot.

It’s sooooo hard but this is becoming a business transaction and you need to detach enough to look after yourself (or hire a lawyer who will help you get everything you are entitled to).

Hang in there friend, and try to start advocating for your FUTURE. Because you have a future and I think you are going to be really happy when you get there. And sending support while it is all so raw still.

He is blaming his deep character flaws on a child. He isn’t cut out to be a good husband and instead of owning that he is pinning it on a kid.

I know this is very painful, but in time I think you will see it wasn’t you who is losing anything, he had the chance at a long lasting marriages he refused to build that.

And sure things might seem rosy with this other woman, but the percentage of couples who actually make it after it starting in an affair is something like 3 percent. He is more likely to do the same thing to her. Or when she gets what she thinks she wants she will lose interest in him.

Your husband is a fool.

Yes, you are heartbroken but you are not broken. You will be able to heal and see you deserved better all along. It will get better. Resolve to yourself you won’t take him back because men like him tend to try and blind e back and forth. The fact he tells you not to bring it up again tells me he has no remorse over what he has done to you and is not a good rebuilder candidate.

You were the prize he lost not the other way around.

Thank you all im actually in tears reading the replies, xx

"What is wrong with him?" is a question that keeps doing circles in my head. What is wrong with a person who can treat their marriage, spouse, and children this way? I don't think we'll get satisfying answers, but there is definitely something wrong, and that's why he's able to treat you this way.

I know you don’t want this, but if you can lace up your bitch boots and take a bit of control of the D, you can help this be more in your favor while he is feeling generous. This may not last, so you need to strike while the iron is hot.

I second this piece of advice!! He's feeling guilty and ashamed right now (as he should), so get the divorce papers going ASAP. Your future self will thank you. The next few months will be hard as you learn to detach from him, but you're going to feel so much lighter and freer when it's all over.

I know you don’t want this, but if you can lace up your bitch boots and take a bit of control of the D, you can help this be more in your favor while he is feeling generous. This may not last, so you need to strike while the iron is hot.

This!

I did this and got him to sign a separation agreement while he felt guilty. He will pay me alimony until 2030 (despite the fact I make more money than him now) and gave me all the equity in the house so, when I sold it, I got all the profit.

update, hes moved in with his brother until he gets sorted, we have seperated im so heartbroken over all this 💔🥺

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 9:34 PM, Tuesday, June 9th]

While the initial shock is hard to deal with, you will get some peace and calm in your life.

At least for now.

Get an attorney ASAP. you need to protect yourself.

Also be prepared when he & the OW end their relationship. He might try to come crawling back with all kinds of promises. Words like " it was a mistake" and "I didn’t love her (the OW)" etc.

Odds are against him remaining with the OW long term. Relationships that start as an affair are not based on reality— they are based on a fantasy.

During an affair it’s exciting to sneak around. There no housework or chores or $ issues or bills or health problems or in laws to deal with.

Add in reality and suddenly the cheaters start to argue and the relationship often ends in someone cheating (what a shock 😳 ).

He may want to come crawling back. Doesn’t mean you should let him in. His intentions may be only to look out for himself and he sees you as safe haven.