SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH had a 2 year EA with a coworker which may have become physical (multiple hotel stays together and work trips spent at her home) but I'll never know that much. I knew nothing about this at the time.

He has denied everything and blamed my old fashioned views on opposite gender friendships, my over-sensitivity, and history of anxiety on his decision to hide it.

Every discussion turns into him being the victim and me being the unreasonable, controlling wife.

I'm in trauma therapy, trying to deal with the betrayal but getting nowhere. I know I'm being gaslit but I have no strength to fight him. My children are neurodivergent and going through massive transitions in education therefore I'm trapped here. I'm so lonely and broken.

Please tell me this will get easier. Any advice welcome

He’s not giving you much to work with. So you need to work without him.
Read up on the 180 and implement that. It will give your brain the space to detach from him. You will treat him like the business partner/roommate/co-parent and nothing more.

Keep with the IC. Look for ways to give yourself space. Can he sleep in a guest room? Start getting your ducks in a row- financial, support, all that. Today may not be the day you can leave, but be preparing for it when the time does come. See a lawyer or three also to make sure you know what D would look like in your situation. Knowledge is power.

What do you know about the AP? Is she married? Also, hard to believe that there was nothing physical at all over 2 years with overnights…

Keep posting -others will be by who did in-house separation and give your their advise,

I second everything that BearlyBreathing said.

He's doing something called blame-shifting because he knows that what he did was wrong, but he doesn't want to accept responsiblity for it. His decision to hide the truth from you is entirely on him. There are other ways he could've handled it if he anticipated that you wouldn't like what he did, but deep down, I think he knew that he was doing something wrong. That's usually why people hide things and/or lie about things.

In your signature, you say that dday was a year ago. Have you spoken to any lawyers since then to understand the full picture of your situation? There are alternatives to divorce in many places. You can live separately and remain married if you and your children are dependent on his benefits and income. In house separation is hard, and I won't say that it gets easier with time, but it's doable as a temporary solution.

You know best about the details of your situation. I stayed for a couple years because my ND kid was having a rough time and I didn't think destabilizing her home life would be good for her. By the time I filed for divorce, she was doing a lot better, and she's handling it all very well (age 16). I was really scared of what the news would do to her, but she wasn't surprised about by it or particularly upset about it. STBWX and I didn't fight or anything (she overheard nothing), but she'd noticed our growing distance and little things, like us not wearing our wedding rings. Don't underestimate your kids.

And finally, I'll say that I wasn't able to be as resilient or present for my kid in those 2 years of R as I was before dday or as I am now. It's hard when you're miserable, grieving silently, and especially when you have an unremorseful partner. You don't have as much emotional bandwidth, and you have way less energy for your kids or work or other aspects of your life.

You sound like a loving, thoughtful parent who's willing to sacrifice for her kids, and that's great. Think carefully about whether the current situation is really what's best for them, and if it is, do your best to detach from your partner. Don't try to change him. Don't try to convince him about his EA or anything. Don't monitor his travel plans or behavior. You have to stop loving him the way you used to. That is very hard, but it's doable with practice. Practice accepting that the marriage you thought you had is over. Practice accepting that he is not the man you thought he was. Practice accepting that he is a deceiver and not to be trusted. Avoid sex and other forms of intimacy with him. In your heart, start thinking of yourself as divorced. Remind yourself that today is not forever, and that eventually, you will be able to change your circumstances.

Things can get easier, but nothing changes until something changes. When you're ready to make those changes and take control of your life, you'll start to feel better. Hang in there, 4bearsmum!

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 11:14 PM, Friday, May 29th]

4bearsmum

Every discussion turns into him being the victim and me being the unreasonable, controlling wife.

This is so destabilising because you end up defending your own reaction instead of him facing the secrecydenial and harm.

I also understand the neurodivergent family layer as I am neurodivergent myself and have neurodivergent children so I know how much extra weight there is when you are trying to process trauma while also keeping life stable through transitions.From my own experience the minimising and later truths can make you question your own reality but that does not mean you are unreasonable - it means your body and mind are trying to make sense of something that was hidden from you.

You sound exhausted and lonely - not weak please keep going with your trauma therapy get quiet practical advice when you can and keep posting here - being heard matters...

It gets better when you stop having conversations with a cheater who blames the betrayed, continues to lie, plays the victim etc.

I think you also have to learn to ignore the cheater’s opinions. I know it is hard. But the day I took a step back from letting HIS opinion matter was the day I started relying on myself. And getting stronger.

Most cheaters have one set of rules for themselves and one for the betrayed spouse or partner. They don’t have to answer questions about the affair, but they expect the betrayed to inform them of everything - meaning you have to answer all the questions about anything they want to know about X or Y or Z.

You are feeling horrible b/c he’s gaslighting you. Instead of coming home and facing the situation.

Since you are stuck for the time being you need to protect yourself. Not from physical abuse but from emotional abuse. Whatever is wrong with him is his problem. Don’t let yourself be vulnerable to his opinions anymore. He cheated and now makes you the bad guy. So stop arguing with him. You will never win. Get on with your life. Assume he is an obnoxious roommate whom you need to stay away from. Here’s the trick. Don’t tell him what you are doing. Try to be where he isn’t. If he is watching tv go read a book. Try out recipes. Learn to knit. Work a jigsaw puzzle. Find moments of contentment on your own. Don’t give him emotional power over you.