SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married for 13 years, and we have 2 children. On March 24, 2025, I discovered my wife's affair (phone sex) with a longtime friend of hers who lives in another state. To my knowledge, it started one week before I walked in to witness one of their sessions. I am pretty sure that the affair is over, and that there is no contact between the two of them.

As many of us have done after discovering an affair, I went through a period of compulsive fact finding, internet searching, and snooping. During my frenzy of looking for details, reasons, and answers, I also discovered a 3+ month long emotional affair taking place via text messaging with a family friend- a different man who is divorced and whose children are friends with ours. Our kids have had many play dates and sleepovers. I have clearly expressed my knowledge of their relationship, my concern about it, and how it affects me, but unfortunately, it is still continuing.

The bulk of her conversations with the EA OP are not privy to me, although I have seen some of the messages. She is very secretive and protective of her phone. To my knowledge and from what I have actually seen their text conversations are not flirtatious or sexual, mostly friendly banter and sharing internet memes. My displeasure comes from a few reasons. Texts between them occur every day- including weekends and holidays- and can amount to 50-75 texts per day. They sometimes start before she is even out of bed in the morning, and continue until around 9:30 pm. I am uncomfortable with another man texting my wife good morning and goodnight. I also feel that the effort and energy that goes into maintaining their relationship is a detractor from our marriage. I sometimes think that my role is to be there for the tired feet, long work days, and sick children, and that the OP is there for the laughter and fun. Unless I initiate it, rarely is there a lighthearted midday text exchange between us. (Although they do happen- rarely- starting from her.) Particularly hurtful to me was a moment last week when she told me that she was too busy at work to read a text from me, but the phone record shows 20+ messages exchanged between the two of them.

During our evenings together, if I had a good day, and I can maintain a good mood, we can be great together. We talk and laugh together. We kiss. We cuddle. We have really good sex. But If my day was challenging, and I’m not particularly chipper, then all bets are off.

I have my first appointment tomorrow with a psychiatrist to begin to work through some of the anxiety, panic attacks, and sadness.

I am hopeful that we can reconcile, but I am not sure how to move forward from here. I am more concerned about the EA than the phone sex of six weeks ago. As I mentioned earlier, we have discussed this, and she knows how and why I feel this way, but doesn’t seem to be willing to stop. At least not yet.

I love her dearly. Do I still have hope? Am I overreacting?

  Moving to General

Asking for WW input in the JFO forum won’t work, seeing as WS are not allowed to post there.

Hello Justabouthere and welcome to SI. I’m sorry you had a reason to find us, but glad you did.

I have clearly expressed my knowledge of their relationship, my concern about it, and how it affects me, but unfortunately, it is still continuing.

The only thing you can do is to remove yourself from her infidelity. There are topics pinned at the top of JFO and will help you navigate this new discovery.

I am hopeful that we can reconcile, but I am not sure how to move forward from here.

Unfortunately trying to reconcile with someone actively cheating is not possible. She is checked out and is not an ally in your marriage. It’s like trying to sit on a two legged stool.

Hey there-

A person who is doing these things is going to escalate unless they feel they have a true desire for change.

Affairs happen in happy marriages, too. The escapism is usually to deal with something, a void, within themselves. They seek external validation to feel better about themselves but it’s artificial and can not really replace taking responsibility over her own happiness and doing so in much healthier ways.

Yes, if she wants to fix this and do the work needed on herself, of course there is a chance for reconciliation. I would think about what you want to see from her in order for you to consider it. I think at a minimum she should go to therapy and start thinking about what she truly wants in life. I do t really just mean marriage, but she needs to think about healthier ways to manage her stress and happiness.

Is she around forty? Kids partly or mostly raised? She could be having some sort of existential crisis such as the standard, cliche mid life thing. I see the highest growing population for affairs are between 38-44. I was 41.

Your WW is ACTIVELY CHEATING on you and SEVERELY disrespecting you texting that much, friend. Even if that is all that there is which it probably is not. And. on a related note..are you sure that it isn't physical? Because I sure as hell would not be!

She is 46. I am 56. The children are 10 and 12. We are pretty well off, and I was able to fade into retirement at 55 to be the house-dad. I have absolutely no regrets about that decision whatsoever.

She refers to the PA (which I consider phone sex to be) as "fantasy and escapism," that wasn’t premeditated. I truly believe that part is over. On the other hand, the continuation of the EA is more painful, and at this point there is no acknowledgement on her part that it is reasonable for me to feel this way about a "perfectly innocent friendship."

We have only been discussing the EA for about 10 days, and only twice over that span of days, because I’m afraid of being too tiresome to be around.

I asked for input from WW’s to get an idea of how her perspective might change, and I wondered if there was any sign that I could watch and wait for. I’m perfectly content to be patient if I need to be.