SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
I posted a while back about my husband's emotional affair last year and again I am looking for some support please...

He was back in touch with her in February, and then left our home for 2 weeks in March, professing that he knew he was being vacant and therefore needed some time away to 'appreciate what he has'.

Since his return, full of promises, I have found he is buying viagra. He bought 28 in February and 28 this month. I called him out and they're being kept at work, for me and him of course. He has no history of ED, and hasnt been near me for months intimately... I tried to be intimate in February and he rejected me.

He is totally denying the affair is ongoing but it is quite evident it is... What do i do? How do i get the truth?

He left work around midnight on Saturday and didnt come home until 2:30 am, we only live 20 minutes away. It is obvious, but he cries and breaks down at the thought of separating. Why wouldnt he just leave me given that i have caught him out so much, or why wouldnt he stop? I'm very confused, i have 2 children with him who are 10 and 7, and this has been going on almost a year now. Is he a bad person? Or does he have mental health issues? I can't do anything because i dont get the truth...

Help an anxious Mum our please, i dont know what to do but the thought of my family separating is tearing me apart

Thanks.

I am so sorry you are facing this. I can feel your fear and sorrow through your letter.

Sometimes you have to accept the unacceptable. He is having an affair and has turned his back on you emotionally.

You need an attorney right this minute. Your ws might be moving money. He could be doing things like buy houses, renting apartments. Whatever he is doing is not for you and your future.

You HAVE to get some info to make decisions. You can’t live like this. It is going to affect your health and your children need you.

If your girlfriend or daughter were telling you this story, what advice would you give?

If he's buying Viagra, it isn't just an emotional affair.

I'm sorry that he's doing this to your family. I second Cooley's advice. Please see a lawyer and protect yourself and your children.

I’m so sorry he is lying, gaslighting, and literally abusing you and your children. You don’t NEED him to confess in order for you to take action to further protect yourself and family. If he got that quantity of viagra and keeps them at work….there is no other logical explanation.

We all understand where you are right now. Of course he is crying, he doesn’t want a divorce, he is cake eating. Start practicing the 180. But remember, it is for YOU to gain clarity, not to change him. Be polite in front of your children, but that’s it. He needs to sleep on the couch or in another room. No more laundry or cooking for him. Treat him like an annoying brother. Have you consulted a lawyer? If not please see 2-3 of them.

Thanks for your responses.

MY issue is that i dont know how to be strong enough for my kids with the anxiety being so high. Does anyone have any advice on how to be more present, less consumed and able to focus with clarity on the situation? I have given him so much opportunity to tell the truth and move forward together, but he won't and it is genuinely impacting my health. Why is it so hard to leave? I will have to leave my position within our business and start again... Which feels extremely unjust given my 44 year old husband is sleeping with a 22 year old.

Viagra causes an erection within 30 minutes to 1 hour of taking it, so there's no reason for him to be keeping the pills at work unless he's screwing someone during business hours.

As for why he hasn't left you, it's easier and cheaper to remain married to you then it is to get divorced. But as others have said, he could very well be planning to divorce you or maintaining a separate household that you don't even know about, which is why you need to see a lawyer ASAP.

edit;add: Actually taking action--ie, seeing a lawyer, getting the ball rolling on separation, and planning for your future-- will actually help you be less anxious, gain clarity, and be more present for your kids. Instead of worrying about hypotheticals, you will be dealing with facts. You will give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel. And you can focus on being emotionally and mentally available for your kids when you're no longer worrying about where his dick has wandered off to.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:29 PM, Monday, April 28th]

I am so sorry for your situation. Please pardon my blunt response, but I’ve been there. I found viagra too, got the same story, it was for us, it was my Dr.’s idea, yet he NEVER discussed it with me. Nothing made sense, but in my shock, I believed him. Don’t be me. The refill tells you all you need to know.

You are being cheated on and lied to and your WH is abusing you right now, you are just in too much shock and pain to see it clearly and protect yourself. You need a lawyer, a good friend or family member to support you and get to your Dr. for an STD test. Don’t let him lie to you again. Don’t ask him for answers, tell him what know and what you intend to do now. He will lie to you to save himself and his secrets. Be prepared for him to spin out as truth and consequences come to light. My WH got angry at me for not believing his lies when my instincts were screaming at me. It almost made me crazy until I got to the truth much later on my own and learned to stop trusting anything he said.

Take care of yourself, remember to eat and hydrate so you can be the best Mum to your kids. Let their love see you through.

Edited to address your recent comment: I agree, taking steps to protect yourself and get out of the insanity of the fake reality and betrayal will help you to be more present. I kept the truth to myself for far too long, and the relief once I confided in my best friend and a few close friends was huge. Therapy helped me to find a path through, and small moments with my kids, my dog or a cup of tea in the garden helped me. I had a few full on panic attacks in the beginning so I had to learn quickly how to self calm with controlled breathing to lower my pulse rate, hydration and some help from anxiety meds. My Dr. was a huge support to me.

It is horrifying when you can’t get your spouse to be honest with you, and more horrifying to accept the fact that your WH is pretending to be what he is not - honest, loyal, loving, supportive, caring, faithful - any of the basics of a real relationship.

This can genuinely impact your health. Focus on yourself and your kids and remember how strong you are.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 5:42 PM, Monday, April 28th]