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Im so so sorry for this long post, but im dying inside. I need help, and I want optemistic stories from second time survivors. please!

Me and my H are 17 years together. I'm with him since I was 19. We had a great relationship, and than I found out about an emotional affair with his long time female friend that lasted a year. I had my suspensions about them, I asked him a lot of times and said I feel that something is wrong between them, but he always kissed me and reassured me that he's not cheating.

So... in 2016 to 2017 There were ssexual/romantic messages between them. No physical touch though.I found out just 2 weeks after giving birth to our first child. It was devastating, but I completely wanted to stay with him..we were young (26 yo) and little did we know about what should have been done, but we worked through it. I worked hard with therapy so I could fall in love with him again..it took me 3 or 4 years to feel completely in love, and semi trust him 80% . He never done any work, cause we were sure the trauma we had was enough for him to never cheat again.

He was an amazing husband and father (brought together our second child in 2019), I was truly happy. But still had doubts, and I constantly asked him if he's cheating on me, or will he tell me the truth if something will happen.

He promised he will. I always talked about how I want the truth even if it's uncomfortable,and if he feels like he's falling, he should come to me, to work through it together.

In 2020 came to his work a new female worker...I met her and became friends with her...we went out together and also went out as families with the kids. Fast forwaed to 2024, they started a physical affair, started with holding hands and gradually went into kissing, sex messages and eventually oral sex in the car and our houses. It lasted a year..the husband found out, they stopped the sexual interaction but stayed friends, cause later it was clear that she wasn't very mentally stable, and my H felt forced to keep in touch with her so she wont expose the affair to me. He didn't want to continue the "friendship".

Anyways, no one told me about it, cause my H fought and did everything so I won't find out. And I didn't,for 1.5 years I lived my happy life went out with this "friend" like nothing ever happened, by the way I was the one supporting her during her affair cause she told me she cheated on her husband, but I didn't know it was with my husband!! I knew she cheated and I was her support during these 1.5 years.

Eventually her husband came to my work place a month ago,and told me.

Now,I'm completely dead inside. I'm a wreck.
This "friend " sent me almost all their messages, and I'm spiraling, can't stop having images of them in my head! I'm going crazy, how could he do this to me? To us! To our kids.

I love my H, but I'm mortified to give him a third chance.

I thought we were truly happy, I was, he was (he told me he was), we really had a great relationship. Sex was great, I thought communication could have been better, but it was good, we were traveling having the time of our lives, and I truly felt loved by him.

He took full responsibility, He started IC, saying it's not even about keeping the marriage,it's about understanding how he could have done something like this.
He never had any feelings towards her, she was just easy, so he took the opportunity for light easy sexual interaction.
She admitted to me later that she wanted full intercorse with him, but he rejected her several times.

It kills me that no one can promise me he'll never cheat again. How can I give him my heart again knowing he'll maybe murder it again if something will happen in his inner twisted self?

I need advice, I need something positive. I love this piece of sh*t. I loved our marriage. What am I going to do?

[This message edited by MacandChees at 5:12 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Macandchees,

I'm sorry you're dealing with a repeat offender. It seems like he never actually addressed the issues that allowed him to think cheating was ok after affair #1.

The only advice I have is to not put up with it anymore. Set your boundaries now and stick to them - kick him out if you need to until you feel like he's truly done some work.

If he feels like he can get away with it without doing the work, he will 100% do it again. I get that it's gut wrenching, I'm 9 months in and it breaks my heart everyday but I have learned to stop my codependent behavior and take control of my reality again. If I found it my wife started cheating again, it's over. There comes a point when you can't take anymore.

I'm committed to my marriage covenant but knowing that I can leave after this nightmare without judgment from God has given me some peace. Remember that you have the power now, you did nothing wrong.

Praying for you.

I’m sorry you are having to suffer through another affair. I also have been through two affairs, the first an EA and the second was a typical midlife crisis affair. The second one he was kicking me to the curb to be with the much younger OW.

Like you I was very torn about whether to Reconcile. In my case there’s an affair (which is bad enough) but to find out you are being tossed aside and he was planning to D me adds another layer of trauma to it all.

Whine we have very happily reconciled I can tell you that my healing was 3 years and I made a decision to change myself. I’m no longer in as vulnerable position as I was because I have financially protected myself.

I put myself first before him & marriage now. I make decisions a bit differently about my future. I would be sad if we D but I doubt I would be devastated. And I think I would be good w/ him or w/out him because I choose to be happy.

You have to decide IF you want to stay with him or if leaving him is the better choice. There are no guarantees. Ultimately it’s what works best for you.

FWIW him going to therapy is great sign. Many cheaters don’t even do that.

Also just b/c you choose R does not mean you must stay married. If 5 years from now you decide the marriage no longer works, you can still S or D. You are not locked into staying with him if you are unhappy.

I’d suggest finding a good therapist or counselor just for you. Mine saved my sanity and also helped me to see my H was worth a 3rd chance.