SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So a bit less than 2 months ago, stbx-WS told me he started dating someone. He is still seeing this woman, and I recently learned (via a mutual friend) that she doesn't speak English, and they've been mostly communicating via translation apps (also she is only a few years younger than me and has a 12yo kid). I have no idea how the language thing works when they meet in person, but that's not what this post is about.

I can't fathom what he's thinking in dating this person or how she will fit into his general lifestyle, friends, family, etc., but this is more evidence that his impulsiveness hasn't changed at all. I remember asking him about his LTA and what his plan was with his AP, and he said he had no plan. He didn't consider the future then, and he clearly isn't considering it now.

It's amazing to me how he could sit there last year claiming that he has changed so much, he has done all this therapy, he's not the same guy he was during the affair, blah blah blah - all trying to convince me not to leave him. And here he is behaving exactly the same as before, dating a woman who doesn't fit in his life in any way.

Luckily the only money he still owes me is from his retirement account (we're waiting on the signed court order to make that transfer), so I feel financially protected from whatever this other woman is after in dating him.

The whole thing is so bizarre - like, who is this man, and how was I ever married to him??

Whoever this woman is, she must have ulterior motives.

You say he hasn’t changed.

Was he always this stupid?

Was he always the stupidest man ever?

Hard not to feel sorry for him.

Best wishes.

No, he hasn't always been this stupid. He's generally intelligent, and he's a business executive, so he can think. He's had issues with self-indulgence, and I was a mitigating force in his life, but he was never stupid about it until his affairs. His behavior with both APs was that of a person who wasn't planning ahead and who was following his emotional impulses rather than using his head.

That affair-type impulsive behavior is something he claimed he'd worked on and corrected, but I feel like the dating thing shows that he hasn't corrected it.

He's perfectly capable of reasoning in other spheres of his life. Heck, when were figuring out the separation of our finances, he went deep into spreadsheets and all kinds of fiddly details about taxes and such, all of which made sense.

As for ulterior motives, who knows. Maybe she does, or maybe she's as thoughtless as he is in these matters.

I can't feel sorry for him, though. He's had over 3 years to absorb all the lessons of attempted R, group and individual therapy, ADHD meds, and supposedly a lot of self-reflection. If he hasn't learned anything from all that, then that's his fault.

Well, nobody’s smart about everything.

He might be a genius business guy, but the stupidest man ever about what a desperate woman will do.

And don’t get me wrong. What he’s doing to you is beneath contempt.

And for a woman he can’t even talk to? He can’t even brag to his friends about this.

He’s seriously messed up. Sometimes life brings out the worst in us.

Best wishes.

His need for an ego boost far outweighs logic and common sense.

At least you weren’t swept up into believing "he’s changed and is not the same guy" 😂😂.

Too be fair, I got swept up in for a little while during R - or at least the belief that he could and would change. Now he's like a breeze that's blowing away any lingering hopium!

FPP, "seriously messed up" is what makes me nervous. Our kid is 16 and generally pretty mature, but she spends half her time with him, and I worry a little about that. I'll continue to check in with her and keep a wary eye on his behavior from afar.

It’s possible that the reason he shared he’s started dating is simply to cause you concern and pain.
After all – it semi-tells you what a mistake you are making, letting a catch like him go.

Your best bet is to detach. Detach. Detach.
"Hey soon-to-be-ex-wife, I’m seeing this woman…"
Your response "That’s nice. Now… when is that final payment hitting my account?"

Part of D is the acceptance that we no longer have say in each other’s lives. As long as you have no indication that his interactions with HIS daughter is damaging her or placing her in some danger, then it’s not really your concern. Well… as a parent you might be concerned, but still limited what you can actually do.

Totally agreed, Bigger, and putting our kid at any kind of risk is my only concern at this point, which doesn't seem to be the case. Luckily she has very good boundaries (better than mine were until recently), so I'm not too worried.

Just got the signed judgement in the mail, which means we can separate the rest of our property. I'm moving pretty quickly toward "his problems are not my problems anymore"!

I don't know how old he is but if he's an older fellow he might be having cognition issues, this is more common than we think. Good Old King Lear!!! Or Leer. It sounds like she would be someone he could control completely and I think THAT is the appeal. Someone who he feels would be totally dependent on him, and he could control her. This to me speaks of serious insecurity in a person, something that can come or increase with age in some people, or maybe ti's a pre-existing quality, but I think THAT'S the appeal. Of course the youth, and maybe her need for Daddy, perhaps financially, but I think having someone who DOES NOT SPEAK ENGLISH....is about having a person who would be really dependent on him and controllable by him. At least according to his disordered thinking, it might not be true in reality. She may be quite the ball buster in her own country but so many foreign gals know how to manipulate these guys with the sweet old fashioned girl act. Or maybe she's genuinely a dependent kind of person, which might be worse. This sounds like a variant of White Knighting to me. Many men want to be a hero and they feel they can't be that way with their strong, down to earth, domestic, 1st world wives.

I think it's White Knight syndrome - he's 53, and she's 45, so there's not a huge age difference. He likes feeling "helpful" and to be admired, so I'm guessing he's getting a lot of ego kibbles from her.

The petty part of my is glad in a way - she's not going to fit in with our social circles at all, and if he gives up on those friends, then they'll be all mine.

Your mantra will be "not my circus, not my monkeys".

Better days are ahead. (And what a tool he is!! )